Inspector Gadget Returns Via Netflix... Oh Boy!

Netflix is pretty amazing, and their original programming has been pretty spot on over the past few months. House of Cards Season 3 was boss, Marco Polo was pretty great, and The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is fucking hilarious. But their newest foray into exclusive programming has 80 babies like myself kind of excited. Inspector Gadget was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, you just had to love the goofiness of it. It reminded me a lot of the Pink Panther movies starring Peter Sellers. Penny and Brain the dog were the real detectives, while bumbling Inspector Gadget meandered around NOT solving crimes. Dr. Claw was an amazing villain, and who didn't love all the cool stuff the Inspector had in his hat/coat arsenal? A Helicopter Hat... wait, what? This show was fantastic. A few years back in Australia a company called DHX Media created a new series of cartoons continuing the story, and Netflix has acquired the complete series for exclusive streaming. I am not to big of a fan of the CGI cartoons nowadays, but I am willing to give it a shot... I owe it to my 5 year old self. Check out a few stills after the jump, and tell us what you think about this new incarnation...

Takin You Back… Way Back: Spiral Zone by Joe Esq

Well, well, well, what have we here? Another installment of my award winning (in my head) column, Taking You Back… Way Back. That’s right kids; I’m thawed out of carbon freeze, and ready to drop some more obscure 80’s toy knowledge on your heads. This time around I’m tackling Tonka’s 1987 foray into the boy’s action figure market, Spiral Zone. Ride into the Zone with me, after the jump…

I have to confess, I’m coming at you guys with literally no preconceived notions or personal knowledge of what Spiral Zone is all about. Actually, that’s not quite true; for some reason I can still sing the cartoon theme song, even though I have no recollection of ever actually seeing the show, and I know I never owned any of the toys. Anyway, apparently not satisfied with manufacturing giant metal blunt-force trauma inducing trucks and construction vehicles, Spiral Zone was Tonka’s attempt at getting a piece of the already crowded 1987 boy’s toy market.

YOU!

'87 was a weird year for action figures. Out of the big lines of the 80’s, Star Wars toys were already relegated to the discount aisle; G.I. Joe became a lot less realistic and a lot more strange and colorful (Cobra-lalalalalalalala); Transformers got more gimmicky by introducing Headmasters and Targetmasters; the Masters of the Universe line was petering out, even with the movie characters and Preternia dinosaurs being added to the mix; and Thundercats was on its last wave of figures, also about to vanish into nerd-nostalgia obscurity. The Ninja Turtles were still a year away, and one would think that the field was ripe for some new properties to grab a nice chunk of the market. Spiral Zone was not one of those properties… unfortunately so, because according to my research, Spiral Zone seemed like it could have been pretty cool. Especially if you're into color-coordinated teams.

Spiral Zone, the story of two futuristic dodgeball teams

Spiral Zone was a science-fiction story set in 2007. Rogue military scientist Dr. James Bent, hijacks a space shuttle and drops his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth. This creates a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). The area infected by the Zone has dark skies, and a proliferation of “zone spores” growing all around. The people trapped in the Spiral Zone are transformed by the spores into "Zoners"; (essentially zombies) with lifeless yellow eyes and red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Dr. Bent – who now calls himself Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the antenna on the Chrysler Building. His followers call themselves the Black Widows. They are Bandit (a Middle-Eastern terrorist master of disguise), Duchess Dire (an assassin and criminal mastermind), Razorback (an expert with bladed weapons), and Reaper (a former bounty hunter). The Widows are immune to the effects of the Spiral Zone because of a special device called the Widow Maker (clever!). However, due to prolonged exposure to the Zone, they also share the same visual effects as Zoners. Overlord’s goal is the typical 80’s villain fare - conquer the world by bringing everyone under control with the Zone Generators. The Zones feed off "human energy", which is a neat way to explain why Bent does not kill anyone inside.

Odd that the Black Widows wore primarily red and green

Overlord's initial strike puts all the major capitals of the world under the influence of the Spiral Zone. The chaos caused by this leads to international cooperation, even between the United States and the Soviet Union (remember kids, this before Rocky Balboa ended the Cold War). To counter the effects of the Zone bacteria, British scientists create a rare material called Neutron-90. Of course, only a limited amount of Neutron-90 is remaining in the world after the British government orders the destruction of the only laboratory where the material is produced for some reason (goddam limeys). Only enough Neutron-90 remains to build combat suits for five specially-trained soldiers called the Spiral Force, also known as the "Zone Riders." Commander Dirk Courage - the Zone Riders leader from the United States (apparently, his parents, like the parents of most 80’s toy heroes, knew he would grow up to lead the Zone Riders when they named him); Master Sergeant Tank Schmidt - a heavy weapons specialist from West Germany (a heavy weapons soldier named Tank! Ha!); Lieutenant Hiro Taka - an infiltration specialist from Japan; 2nd Lieutenant Max Jones - a special mission expert from the U.S.; and Corporal Katerina Anastacia - medical officer from the USSR.

 As the series went on, the Zone Riders discovered that there is still enough Neutron-90 left over from assembling the five suits, to build two additional suits. They are issued to Australian demolition specialist Lieutenant Ned Tucker, and field scientist Lieutenant Benjamin Davis Franklin. Also, French scientist Jean Duprey and truck driver Richard Welt would later join the Black Widows. They were codenamed Crook and Raw Meat, respectively.

"Zone Riders" is a much cooler name than the Spiral Force, incidentally

The toys themselves were essentially 7” dolls. Tonka (taking a cue from what Hasbro did with Transformers) licensed the toy rights from Bandai. The figures had cloth uniforms and plastic armor. Unfortunately, the series was cancelled before the figures of Anastacia, Tucker, Franklin, Black Crook and Raw Meat could be made, but they were planned, as was a Zone Generator playset (prototypes were shown in Tonka's 1988 catalog). The figures were also highly detailed, but were not as articulated as the Japanese versions. Each figure came with a special audio cassette tape too. It’s notable that there were more villains than good guys released in the first wave of figures as this is extremely unusual for pretty much any toy line ever.

Apparently General Grevious was a Spiral Zone fan

The vehicles were large and cool-looking. Commander Courage drove the Rimfire Cannon, that wheel-looking thingy that suspiciously resembles General Grevious’s vehicle from those “Star Wars” movies. Overlord drove the Bullwhip Cannon, which is that thing with the eight wheels. The other two vehicles, the Zone Rider Cycle and the Sledgehammer Tank were the non-leader figures means of transport. The Zone Rider Cycle is easily the coolest of all of these for my money. They also released eight weapons packs and six alternate outfits err, uhh uniforms... in case you want to play dress up with your Spiral Zone dolls, Mary.

I’m going to have Overlord put on his swank purple number before he conquers the planet!

Despite the series being developed by none other than J. Michael Straczynski (under the pseudonym Fettes Grey), and being supported by a cartoon that ran 65 episodes, and a DC comic book that lasted 4 issues, Spiral Zone became yet another property interred in the cemetery of forgotten 80’s toy. And, if you’ve been following TYB… WB, then you probably have already figured out why. These things were large, and as a result took up lots of shelf space, meaning stores were less willing to stock them. Sure Thundercats were larger, but they were blister carded and could be hung on hooks. Spiral Zone figures came in a bulky box, which took away valuable real estate from better-selling lines. The larger size also meant a larger price point, which means parents are automatically steered away. I’ve been beating this drum for many articles now, but when you can get five or six G.I. Joe figures for the price of one Spiral Zone doll, it’s a no-brainer for wallet-conscious adults (a.k.a. chiselers).

Additionally, let’s be realistic, after nearly a decade of being accustomed to action figures NOT being dolls, Spiral Zone didn’t catch on because well, they were. And, they were really bland and boring to look at besides. All the accessories and posh outfits notwithstanding, all of those figures up there look like slightly different versions of the same two guys. At a time when G.I. Joe was getting way brighter and more colorful, this just wasn’t going to fly. It's not only bad for aesthetic-conscious kids but also for semi-disinterested grown-ups, who aren't going to take the time to tell two nearly identical toys apart. They're just not going to buy one figure that looks just like the other, thinking they're the same. Thus died another toy line... which is a shame because if nothing else, Spiral Zone at least had a catchy theme song!

  

And, if you ain't up on things, here are the previous editions of Takin You Back... Way Back

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken
TYB... WB: Wheeled Warriors
TYB... WB: C.O.P.S.

JoeyEsq is a practicing attorney, a non-practicing geek, and when he's not in the Spiral Zone getting Duchess Dire to try on different outfits, he can be found complaining about things and trying to be funny on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction

Takin You Back... Way Back: Wheeled Warriors

Well well well... Guess who's biz-ack? That' right kids, it's your boy JoeyEsq back with another long overdue edition of Takin You Back... Way Back. For those of you who are uninitiated, TYB... WB is the column here at CCD where I shed some light on the forgotten toys of the greatest decade of all time, the 1980's. This time around I'll be highlighting the toys whose commercials boasted they'd let you "stack and attack" (or, more accurately, stack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack and attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack), otherwise known as Wheeled Warriors.

More after the jump!

Wheeled Warriors were released in 1985 by Mattel. The Wheeled Warriors were basically vehicles that had tons of attachable weapons and accessories, letting kids customize them into all kinds of fun configurations. They were divided into the heroic Lightning League and the villainous Monster Minds. In an interesting twist (and contrary to the PC, hippie nonsense that some companies used to try to cram down kid's throats via toy and cartoon... Captain Planet, I'm looking at you) The Lightning League were all shiny silver and high tech, while the Monster Minds were basically living evil plants. The (very basic) story told through blurbs on the packaging was that the Lightning League were man & machine teaming up to battle the evil out-of-control plant brain vehicles of the Monster Minds.

Each vehicle had a particular feature or characteristic that defined it (and a punny name to help define that trait). The Lightning League vehicles were Armed Force, Drill Sergeant, Spike Trike and Quick Draw. The Monster Minds were Saw Boss, Gun Grinner, Terror Tank and K.O. Kruiser.  Each side also had walking transport vehicle (that were clearly designed by someone who LOVED The Empire Strikes Back); Trailblazer for the Lightning League and Beast Walker for the Monster Minds. Finally, the Lightning League had Battle Base vehicle/playset (which I will talk more about later).

Saw Boss vs. Armed Force

There wasn't much, content-wise to the toys' backstory, which I don't mind because that let kids use their imaginations and create stories themselves. As you can see above Armed Force had a clamp-like "arm" and Saw Boss had a big friggin buzzsaw, awesome looking teeth and beady, menacing looking little eyes. Look at that thing... you don't mess with the 'Boss.

Word

I think one of the most striking things about the Wheeled Warriors toys was that the vehicles just looked really cool. Drill Sergeant had (you guessed it) a giant drill, Spike Trike  was essentially equipped with a spiked steamroller drum, and Quick Draw had a folding arm with a little spiked wheel at the end of it. Lots of spikes in this toy line. The Monster Minds were even more awesome looking than the Lightning League. Each vehicle had eyes and teeth, giving the impression they were alive.

In addition to the main vehicles that comprised the Wheeled Warriors line, there were 2 "walker" type vehicles that could carry the smaller cars into battle... I guess if they wanted to get where they were going at a really slow crawl as opposed to driving there.

"My lord, I've reached the main power generators. The shield will be down in moments, you may start your landing.”

If this line suffered anywhere, it was definitely with the pilots of the vehicles. For the Lightning League, they were just generic dudes in brown jumpsuits. No real personality with these guys, unless you consider the fact that one guy is wearing a tie, and another flesh-colored sunglasses, to be personality.

You'd be wrong

The Monster Minds pilots were even worse. They took the whole "minds" thing way too literally. They were just viney, brain-like blobs. They made the fellas in the Lightning League look interesting.

Unless you find snot interesting... you weirdo

But where the Wheeled Warriors line failed in the figure department, it absolutely owned when it came to the line's only playset. In fact I'd go so far as to put the Wheeled Warriors Battle Base in my top ten playsets of all time (a list that I assure you is coming to this blog very soon). Seriously, this thing was the Maybach Benz of mobile battle bases. Of course, I used it for all sorts of other toy lines, from Transformers to G.I. Joe to Go-Bots (yeah that's right, Go-Bots. Yup, your boy Joey played with the Transformers' retarded cousins. AND I LIKED IT!)

Closed up in its vehicle mode, the Battle Base was a giant cube. With tank treads. It had three fold-down ramps to deploy vehicles, and the front right-hand corner flipped up to reveal a telescoping turret. The base was hinged down the middle of the front so it could open up like a book. On the inside, it had ramps, repair bays, a little command station, a weapons rack, and a cage that snapped onto the side of the Battle Base to imprison enemies. I can't emphasize enough how much I used to love this thing, and how many hours of play I got out of it.

There's probably a bathroom somewhere in there too

Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of those play hours had nothing to do with Wheeled Warriors, and I think that was the big problem with this line. As a concept, Wheeled Warriors was very underwhelming. As readers of my previous TYB... WB articles know, these toy lines inevitably failed for two reasons, high price point or no cartoon to support them. Wheeled Warriors, however, is an exception to this. It had a cartoon. A pretty damn good cartoon too; with an epic, kick-ass theme song and writing by J. Michael Straczynski. Unfortunately, recognizing that the toy line was conceptually shallow, the writers of the cartoon went a whole other direction and created a bunch of characters who had nothing to do with the toy line, where the vehicles themselves were intended to be the stars. Thus Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors was born.

The cartoon was produced by DIC. It starred Jayce Lightwheel, his little sister Flora , their uncle, the Han-Solo like Herc Stormsailor, their magic robotic Oon Knightsquire (filling the obligatory Orko/Snarf role), and their grandfather Gillian Lightwheel. Jayce's quest was to search for his father, Audric Lightwheel, and save the universe from the wrath of Saw Boss and his shape-shifting plant family, The Monster Minds. Audric was a botanist who experimented with biotechnology. One of such experiment blossomed into a humanoid girl, who became his daughter Flora. Audric had also created a miracle crop that could thrive in any environment and was intended to end galactic hunger. However, a burst of radiation generated by a sudden solar flare mutated his plant into an evil, sentient being... you guessed it, Saw Boss and the Monster Minds. Audric manages to create a magical root that can destroy the Monster Minds, but they attack and he's forced to flee. Audric keeps half of the root himself and gives the other half to Oon, on whom he sends to serve Jayce. Jayce and the others become the Lightning League. Using the Wheeled Warrior vehicles, they travel the galaxy on a quest to find Audric, combine the halves of the root, and stop Saw Boss and The Monster Minds for good.

Sounds pretty cool right? Well it was. Unfortunately, these characters were not represented in toy form at all. I don't care how imaginative you are, no kid was going to pretend that the dude above in the tie is Jayce driving around in Armed Force, or the flesh glasses dude is Herc. And certainly not one of those green snot things is Saw Boss, who in cartoon form looked pretty badass. That wasn't even the worst of it. Flora rode around on a flying fish on the show. None of it translated to the toys and that definitely hurt the longevity of both the show and the toy line. The cartoon was cancelled after a 65 episode run, and the story was left unresolved. A movie was planned to tie things up, but due to flagging toy sales, it was never produced, and Wheeled Warriors died the same clearance bin death like so many other forgotten 80's toy lines before and after them.

If you ain't up on things, here are the previous editions of Takin You Back... Way Back

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken

JoeyEsq is an attorney, a geek, and when he's not flying around the galaxy on the back a fish with a plant-girl, he can be found complaining about things and trying to be funny on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction

The Top 20 Flubs Of The 80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by Cinemassacre

The original 80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon may be one of the most important cartoons in the history of animation. Why? Well, the early 80s brought us Transformers, Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, and Gi Joe... the holy quinrilogy of all time great cartoons. But it was TMNT who ushered in the next decade of animation dominance, and some would say would achieve a greater cross over success than any of those previous 4. Everybody knew and loved the Turtles. Older fans loved the gritty Black & White comics. Younger guys & gals alike loved the goofiness of the cartoon. And truth be told, looking back on it now it is one of the only toons from that era that I can still watch every episode of. And over the years we have seen cooler and cooler 'new' versions of the show, and I never get mad at all (the new TMNT on Cartoon Network show is a beast). But like anything great, there must be some flubs and mistakes. I always like watching animation mistake reels, because you never notice this stuff when watching the shows in the first run. Cinemassacre takes the time to honor the great show and also show us what they believe are the top 20 flubs in the history of the show. Get ready for trip back to the 80s... Turtle Power!!!!!

80's Out by Serge Gay Jr

As a true 80's baby I can't help but love all the characters from the classic films of that decade. When you look back it is hard to believe that SO MANY great features were made in one 10 year period. While people make fun of the decade as one of opulence and decadence, bad hair and bad clothes, you can't possibly  belittle films like Batman, Robocop, Bettlejuice, Rocky, Beverly Hills Cop, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters, Karate Kid, Star Wars... etc, etc, etc! Artist Serge Gay Jr. decided to integrate all of these great characters into one piece of art that is just fantastic. It must have been hard narrowing down the field to 30. Sick! And the devil guy from legend made the cut, so that is good enough for me! Check out the full piece after the jump...

This Voltron Cosplay Is The Truth....

I came across this unreal cosplay project over at Geeks Are Sexy that features one of the most intense and intricate pieces of Cosplay ever created and executed. Voltron was probably my favorite 80s cartoon, even higher on the list than He-Man, G.I. Joe, or Thundercats. But given the fact that Voltron is a 100 story robot, the chances of him being the subject of cosplay is usually not an option. But size did not stop this talented group of cosplayers as they created 5 individual lions that all could be assembled to form a complete Voltron robot. Holy. Fucking .Shit. The whole process is documented by the group over at craft website Instructables, and you should check it out by clicking here. But you can see the unbelievable photos of this costume that took over a year to create by clicking after the jump...

JoeyESQ's Ode To Toys

What's up CCD Fam, JoeyEsq here. Now most of you know me from my "Takin You Way Back" columns where I highlight various forgotten and under appreciated toys from that great decade, the 1980's. If you don't know, that's where I bring you up to speed on some of the more obscure, lesser known and less successful toylines that came out during my youth. Now when I write those columns I absolutely do some research, and Google Images and YouTube are phenomenal in the visual aide department, but in every article, at least some of (if not all) of what I write is from memory. That got me thinking, I have a lot of really fond, really vivid memories involving toys. Probably way more than a 33 year old attorney should admit to having. But whatever, thoughts of my old toys always bring a warm feeling to my heart,  so I thought I'd share some of those thoughts and warm feelings with you.

As I said, toys were a huge part of my childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, and even  remain so, in this alleged state of full adulthood I exist in today. Up until very recently, I would keep saying "this is the last toy I'm going to buy" and then awesome things like Masterpiece Transformers or the G.I. Joe 25th Anniversary figures come along, and I'm flushing disposable income down the toilet all over again. I'm a child I tell you. Anyway, even though Masterpiece Megatron was the last toy I actually bought, I still have visions of a shelf with him and Prime, along with the Seeker jets, Grimlock and Hot Rod somewhere at sometime in the future. Unfortunately, that probably won't happen since there are more important things to spend money on nowadays, but even if it never happens, I'll have my toy memories.

This first one takes us all the way back to the year 1985. My Grandma Marie and I had a long-standing (at least 3 years at that point) tradition. One Saturday before Christmas in December, she and I would hop on the A Train at the Aqueduct-North Conduit station, and trek into the city. Our destination was Macy's flagship store in Herald Square, to meet Santa Claus and to get me a toy. This was the first year I remember the trip in detail, including the memory of a memory… I remember standing on the subway platform as the train sped into the station and feeling disoriented, like the platform was moving undeneath me; and I remember thinking "oh yeah, I remember this weird sensation from last year's trip to the city". Odd the way memory works... as you're about to see. Anyway, we trekked into city, walked up 33rd Street past Macy's big competitor department store Gimbels', and into Santa's village. I got a picture with good ol' Saint Nick and then we went into Macy's toy department (back when Macy's HAD a toy department). Anyway, that year there were 2 hot toys for Christmas. One was the giant walking Transformer called Omega Supreme. Standing at like a foot and a half tall, Omega was absolutely enormous by toy standards. Up until that point, the only Transformer that even came close to his size was Devastator, and he didn't count because he was really six Constructicons combined into one. Needless to say, for a spoiled brat like me, Omega was a must have.

Look at this guy! Even now, I kinda feel like I made the right decision...

Nanny Marie was the perfect candidate for providing these "must-haves", incidentally, so things were looking up for Joey. The only snag was the other hot toy that Christmas, Teddy Ruxpin. Teddy Ruxpin was a truly awesome and revolutionary (for the time) teddy bear. He had a cassette player built into him, and when you played the special story cassettes, his eyes and mouth moved accordingly, as if he was telling you the story. Now at the ripe old age of five going on six, I was too old for Teddy (probably not really, but let’s face it, Omega was far cooler), but damned if he wouldn't be perfect for one going-on-two-years-old baby brother Mikey. So Nanny Marie faced a dilemma. Both Omega and Teddy were roughly a hundred bucks, which in 1985 was like two hundred and sixty five thousand dollars now, and despite my long-standing belief to the contrary, Nannies and Grandpas are not in fact, made of money. So, option 1; she could get me Omega, and something small and worthless for my brother. Option 2; she could get my brother Teddy Ruxpin, and something small and worthless for me. Or, Option 3; she could compromise, and get us both something in the fifty-dollar price range. For some strange reason she left the decision in my hands, and despite the fact that the word “altruism” probably was in my genius-brained vocabulary at that point, so were “selfish”, “greedy, and “venal”; and I wasn't about to set any new precedents after nearly six years of a staunch policy of self-centeredness. So that night I kept myself busy assembling a giant Autobot mobile defense base, and my baby brother got to play with his brand new, plastic Fisher-Price kazoo. Yup, a kazoo.

It was this kazoo in fact

You read that right. When Nanny Marie asked me what we should get my brother, now that I’d earmarked most of the funds for this monstrous toy, my response was a plastic version of one of the most useless and annoying musical instruments ever conceived. I took selfishness to new levels, my friends. I also had a giant battery-powered, walking, light-up Transformer, so as you can see, it was pretty much win-win. Now, you might think that makes me a spoiled little creep, but you have to keep in mind, at that point I was coming off of five years as an only child, Mike was only twenty-two months old. It would take me another eleven years to even accept him as a human being. I had to have me Omega. Besides, the joke is on me. All I have left of my Omega Supreme is his two hands (which join together to form a cool rocket ship), but that kazoo is still sitting in a toy chest in my mom's house, ready to be dusted off and used to annoy people everywhere.

WAIT... It wasn't Fisher-Price? It was a no-frills company? Ambi? Man, I AM a dick...

My next toy memory is a quickie, but a goody. This one really makes me sad actually, because it really harkens back to a more innocent time. A time when a tiny gesture could make my day. A time when mommy was my best friend. It sucks that things will never be this way again, and part of the reason I really want kids is so I can create moments like this. The moment I'm talking about, was one day after school, either kindergarten or first grade, my mom called me into the kitchen and asked if I wanted a cookie. This was strange, because it was before dinner, and she'd never done this before. I also didn't really want a cookie, so I declined. Undeterred, she then asked if I would go in the fridge and get HER a cookie. So I did, only to find she'd tricked me. She didn't want a cookie at all! It was all a ruse, and there in the fridge, on top of the bag of Chips A'hoy, was a brand spankin' new G.I. Joe figure (Tripwire to be exact). There is NOTHING in the world like the excitement of an unexpected toy as a kid. NOTHING. Every time I see the Tripwire figure; I'm reminded of this time, and if I let myself, I could get a little choked up over it.

I wish this guy was in my fridge right now. Cookies too...

Next up I'm going to do a toy speed round, where I match up the toy with the event that got me it. Being a spoiled kid, I tended to get toys for some really ridiculous reasons. Like in 1983, when my Nanny Grace and Grandpa Joe bought me the Imperial AT-AT walker for my parents wedding anniversary, or the following year when I got the Y-Wing for my brother being born (my parents gave me the Y-Wing ostensibly as a gift from the new baby… to soften the blow of the upcoming loss of "center of attention" status and I guess to endear me to the kid. (Yeah that worked well). Instead of money, I once got a bunch of Go-Bots from the Tooth Fairy (5 of them to be exact, one of which was Pathfinder... I surprisingly don't remember the rest). I got the Autobot City, Metroplex for my First Holy Communion. I later let Tommy's friend Stephen borrow Metroplex, with no accessories (including no fists) in exchange for being allowed to borrow his Superion. Superion was a giant robot made up of 5 other smaller robots, the Aerialbots, and was very cool. I kept that thing mad long, much to the chagrin of Stephen and his mom. Hah! Too bad! I remember I got Castle Grayskull and a slew of He-Man figures for Christmas 1983. This was also the year my Nanny Marie bought me this amazing giant R2-D2 toy chest/clothes hamper and filled it with presents. I Still have that R2 in fact!

Do you have any idea how many He-Man figures fit in this thing? 3-year old Joey does!

On Christmas Eve 1986, my brother finally got that Teddy Ruxpin. If there were any justice, I'd have been given a triangle, or a harmonica, but I guess there isn't because alongside his awesome gift, I got the Cobra Terrordrome, a giant headquarters for G.I. Joe's enemies, and one of the greatest toys ever made.

THIS! This AMAZING thing. Look at this prime piece of action figure real estate!

One of the first trips to Toys R Us I specifically recall was the time I got my first Go-Bots. I even remember who they were: Space-C, Jeeper-Creeper, Rest-Q and Loco. I played with them in the back seat of my mom's Chevy Cutlass while Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" was playing on the radio (my memory is fucking retarded).

"Last night I had the strangest dream..."

I got my Ewok Village from Santa in 1983, and I still have that as well.

Wish I also still had those pajamas!

In the summer of 1984, a day I spent at the pool in my friend Ronnie's yard. That day ended with his mom taking us to the newly-opened Toys “N” Things on Linden Boulevard. It was a great day, I got to go to my cool older friend's house across the street, Prince's "When Doves Cry" was on the radio a lot, and Ronnie's mom bought me the G.I. Joe Sky Hawk. We also went to the candy store that day and got Ghostbusters buttons – buttons that had quotes from the movie that were all wrong.

How great is the internet that I can so easily find pictures of incorrect Ghostbusters pins from 1984?

Another great G.I. Joe memory was that Hasbro offered tons of special mail away offers. All you had to do was collect "flag points' from the back of the figures and mail them in with shipping and handling and you could get all kinds of great figures and accessories. Nowadays when you get mail, 9 times outta 10 its a bill, or an invitation to something that's going to cost you money, but when you were a kid getting mail ruled. And getting a toy in the mail was like a fucking holiday! Speaking of mail away offers, Star Wars did that with figures too. I got 4-LOM, Nein Numb, Admiral Ackbar and the Emperor that way. On Christmas Eve in 1987 Nanny Marie and Grandpa Nick gave me Fortress Maximus, the largest Transformer ever. He stood two and a half feet tall, as tall as Mikey was then. I sold him for 700 bucks a few years ago. Speaking of Transformers, my very first Transformer was Megatron, the villainous leader of the Decepticons. I remember I got him on a Saturday trip to Toys R Us with Nanny Grace and Grandpa Joe. They also got me Hun-Dredd the Conqueror. He was the evil leader of whatever the group of robots that fought Maxx Steele and the Robo-Force were. These cool, although much-less-popular-than-Transformers robots had suction cup bases instead of legs. Anyway, I got home from my grandparent's with my new toys that fine Saturday evening, and my dad promptly took them away from me. I was punished at that time, for a reason I cannot recall, and my dad was being spiteful. I got them back a few weeks later. It took me about a month before I broke Megatron in my next-door neighbor Richard's backyard. The following week when I got out of the bath, waiting for me in the hallway was a brand-spanking-new Optimus Prime. Mommy felt bad that I broke one Transformer, so she got me another one. Mommy was good like that.

Another fun toy memory comes from a little later in life. Me and Rob DiPaolo were sleeping over by Tommy and Michael's house. As was our tradition, we made our Friday night walk to Ceaser's Bay and Toys R Us. We were probably 11 or 12 years old, and probably on the cusp of the age where you would think boys stopped playing with toys. In my case, I was halfway there. Anyway, at that point comic books were huge, and the Marvel Comics toys were riding that popularity. Now, having some earlier transgression against Toys R Us, which I believe was theft-related, Tommy couldn't accompany Michael, Rob and I into the store. ( I’m pretty sure it was for getting caught stealing Bucky O’Hare figures at some recent earlier time. Tommy will confirm, or correct me in the comments, I’m sure) He certainly missed out, because newly arrived at Toys R Us were the Venom and Juggernaut action figures. The three of us grabbed one of each and continued our journey up and down aisle 7-C and 7-D to look at the rest of the stuff (that's where TRU kept the boys toys before they turned the store into a stupid obstacle course). At some point Rob separated from us. Michael and I were ready to go, so we rounded a corner and there was Rob, face to face with a douche Toys R Us stock boy going "where's my figger meng?" Rob, it seems had opened the packages of the figures, and had them tucked into his right pant leg. Their accessories were in his left leg, but the guy didn't get those. For some reason I still don't understand, Rob's attempted stealing of those figures meant Michael and I couldn't buy them. So we just left instead. I believe I even got into a fight with Rob over this fact later that weekend. As you can tell I've always been passionate about my toys.

These figgers. We were left with whatever that harness thing Juggy comes with and a plastic spider full of black slime.

The common threads with all these stories is that I have tons of fond memories attached to random pieces of plastic and die-cast metal, and I huess also that my grandparents spoiled the shit out of me (this article really only scratches the surface on both of those subjects, actually). To this day I love toys, and until recently, I've spent many a dollar trying to buy up all these toys from my youth, to in some small way, recapture and immortalize those memories. It’s great to have something physical that I can look at and remember something nice my mom did for me, or spending time with my grandparents, or just a time when life was more innocent and simpler and just plain better. I miss those days… but I'll always have my toys.

Writing this got me wondering, I can’t be the only one who has memories like these right? I mean, Internet geekdom has to be teeming with people who have fond toy moments just like these, right? I can't be all alone, RIGHT?? RIGHT??? So, anyway, I'm thinking, you send in your favorite toy-related memories to joeyesq@aol.com and I’ll publish them as part of my Ode To Toys Part 2!