Takin You Back… Way Back: Spiral Zone by Joe Esq

Well, well, well, what have we here? Another installment of my award winning (in my head) column, Taking You Back… Way Back. That’s right kids; I’m thawed out of carbon freeze, and ready to drop some more obscure 80’s toy knowledge on your heads. This time around I’m tackling Tonka’s 1987 foray into the boy’s action figure market, Spiral Zone. Ride into the Zone with me, after the jump…

I have to confess, I’m coming at you guys with literally no preconceived notions or personal knowledge of what Spiral Zone is all about. Actually, that’s not quite true; for some reason I can still sing the cartoon theme song, even though I have no recollection of ever actually seeing the show, and I know I never owned any of the toys. Anyway, apparently not satisfied with manufacturing giant metal blunt-force trauma inducing trucks and construction vehicles, Spiral Zone was Tonka’s attempt at getting a piece of the already crowded 1987 boy’s toy market.

YOU!

'87 was a weird year for action figures. Out of the big lines of the 80’s, Star Wars toys were already relegated to the discount aisle; G.I. Joe became a lot less realistic and a lot more strange and colorful (Cobra-lalalalalalalala); Transformers got more gimmicky by introducing Headmasters and Targetmasters; the Masters of the Universe line was petering out, even with the movie characters and Preternia dinosaurs being added to the mix; and Thundercats was on its last wave of figures, also about to vanish into nerd-nostalgia obscurity. The Ninja Turtles were still a year away, and one would think that the field was ripe for some new properties to grab a nice chunk of the market. Spiral Zone was not one of those properties… unfortunately so, because according to my research, Spiral Zone seemed like it could have been pretty cool. Especially if you're into color-coordinated teams.

Spiral Zone, the story of two futuristic dodgeball teams

Spiral Zone was a science-fiction story set in 2007. Rogue military scientist Dr. James Bent, hijacks a space shuttle and drops his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth. This creates a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). The area infected by the Zone has dark skies, and a proliferation of “zone spores” growing all around. The people trapped in the Spiral Zone are transformed by the spores into "Zoners"; (essentially zombies) with lifeless yellow eyes and red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Dr. Bent – who now calls himself Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the antenna on the Chrysler Building. His followers call themselves the Black Widows. They are Bandit (a Middle-Eastern terrorist master of disguise), Duchess Dire (an assassin and criminal mastermind), Razorback (an expert with bladed weapons), and Reaper (a former bounty hunter). The Widows are immune to the effects of the Spiral Zone because of a special device called the Widow Maker (clever!). However, due to prolonged exposure to the Zone, they also share the same visual effects as Zoners. Overlord’s goal is the typical 80’s villain fare - conquer the world by bringing everyone under control with the Zone Generators. The Zones feed off "human energy", which is a neat way to explain why Bent does not kill anyone inside.

Odd that the Black Widows wore primarily red and green

Overlord's initial strike puts all the major capitals of the world under the influence of the Spiral Zone. The chaos caused by this leads to international cooperation, even between the United States and the Soviet Union (remember kids, this before Rocky Balboa ended the Cold War). To counter the effects of the Zone bacteria, British scientists create a rare material called Neutron-90. Of course, only a limited amount of Neutron-90 is remaining in the world after the British government orders the destruction of the only laboratory where the material is produced for some reason (goddam limeys). Only enough Neutron-90 remains to build combat suits for five specially-trained soldiers called the Spiral Force, also known as the "Zone Riders." Commander Dirk Courage - the Zone Riders leader from the United States (apparently, his parents, like the parents of most 80’s toy heroes, knew he would grow up to lead the Zone Riders when they named him); Master Sergeant Tank Schmidt - a heavy weapons specialist from West Germany (a heavy weapons soldier named Tank! Ha!); Lieutenant Hiro Taka - an infiltration specialist from Japan; 2nd Lieutenant Max Jones - a special mission expert from the U.S.; and Corporal Katerina Anastacia - medical officer from the USSR.

 As the series went on, the Zone Riders discovered that there is still enough Neutron-90 left over from assembling the five suits, to build two additional suits. They are issued to Australian demolition specialist Lieutenant Ned Tucker, and field scientist Lieutenant Benjamin Davis Franklin. Also, French scientist Jean Duprey and truck driver Richard Welt would later join the Black Widows. They were codenamed Crook and Raw Meat, respectively.

"Zone Riders" is a much cooler name than the Spiral Force, incidentally

The toys themselves were essentially 7” dolls. Tonka (taking a cue from what Hasbro did with Transformers) licensed the toy rights from Bandai. The figures had cloth uniforms and plastic armor. Unfortunately, the series was cancelled before the figures of Anastacia, Tucker, Franklin, Black Crook and Raw Meat could be made, but they were planned, as was a Zone Generator playset (prototypes were shown in Tonka's 1988 catalog). The figures were also highly detailed, but were not as articulated as the Japanese versions. Each figure came with a special audio cassette tape too. It’s notable that there were more villains than good guys released in the first wave of figures as this is extremely unusual for pretty much any toy line ever.

Apparently General Grevious was a Spiral Zone fan

The vehicles were large and cool-looking. Commander Courage drove the Rimfire Cannon, that wheel-looking thingy that suspiciously resembles General Grevious’s vehicle from those “Star Wars” movies. Overlord drove the Bullwhip Cannon, which is that thing with the eight wheels. The other two vehicles, the Zone Rider Cycle and the Sledgehammer Tank were the non-leader figures means of transport. The Zone Rider Cycle is easily the coolest of all of these for my money. They also released eight weapons packs and six alternate outfits err, uhh uniforms... in case you want to play dress up with your Spiral Zone dolls, Mary.

I’m going to have Overlord put on his swank purple number before he conquers the planet!

Despite the series being developed by none other than J. Michael Straczynski (under the pseudonym Fettes Grey), and being supported by a cartoon that ran 65 episodes, and a DC comic book that lasted 4 issues, Spiral Zone became yet another property interred in the cemetery of forgotten 80’s toy. And, if you’ve been following TYB… WB, then you probably have already figured out why. These things were large, and as a result took up lots of shelf space, meaning stores were less willing to stock them. Sure Thundercats were larger, but they were blister carded and could be hung on hooks. Spiral Zone figures came in a bulky box, which took away valuable real estate from better-selling lines. The larger size also meant a larger price point, which means parents are automatically steered away. I’ve been beating this drum for many articles now, but when you can get five or six G.I. Joe figures for the price of one Spiral Zone doll, it’s a no-brainer for wallet-conscious adults (a.k.a. chiselers).

Additionally, let’s be realistic, after nearly a decade of being accustomed to action figures NOT being dolls, Spiral Zone didn’t catch on because well, they were. And, they were really bland and boring to look at besides. All the accessories and posh outfits notwithstanding, all of those figures up there look like slightly different versions of the same two guys. At a time when G.I. Joe was getting way brighter and more colorful, this just wasn’t going to fly. It's not only bad for aesthetic-conscious kids but also for semi-disinterested grown-ups, who aren't going to take the time to tell two nearly identical toys apart. They're just not going to buy one figure that looks just like the other, thinking they're the same. Thus died another toy line... which is a shame because if nothing else, Spiral Zone at least had a catchy theme song!

  

And, if you ain't up on things, here are the previous editions of Takin You Back... Way Back

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken
TYB... WB: Wheeled Warriors
TYB... WB: C.O.P.S.

JoeyEsq is a practicing attorney, a non-practicing geek, and when he's not in the Spiral Zone getting Duchess Dire to try on different outfits, he can be found complaining about things and trying to be funny on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction

Takin' You Back... Way Back: C.O.P.S.

Today's edition of Takin You Back... Way Back is one I've been sitting on for a long time; one of my favorite of the forgotten toy lines of the 1980's, C.O.P.S. The acronym stood for Central Organization of Police Specialists, and the tagline was "Fighting Crime in a Future Time". This awesome toy line produced by Hasbro debuted in 1988 and to me really closed out the "80's era" of boys toys, as attention would shortly shift to Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers, and things were never the same afterward. Technically TMNT is an 80's toy line as well, but I won't be discussing it here, not only because the Turtles are about as far from "forgotten" as you can get, but also because there's something about the Ninja Turtles toys and cartoon that just screams early 90's to me, and thus it falls outside the scope of these articles. No, today we're gonna talk about C.O.P.S., the last great action figure line of the 1980's.

The full name of the toy line was "C.O.P.S. n' Crooks" but even the toy commercials just referred to it as "C.O.P.S."  One of the awesome things about these figures was that they were constructed exactly like the greatest action figures of all time, G.I. Joes. Only they took it a step further because instead of being 3 & 3/4" inches tall, C.O.P.S were 6" figures. And they had wrist articulation, unlike their smaller G.I. Joe cousins. This made for some extremely poseable, really cool looking toys. I guess bigger didn't necessarily mean better though, because C.O.P.S. only lasted 2 waves of figures and  barely made it through 1989 on toy store shelves. But the stuff  they did give us was among the best this magical decade had to offer.

The premise behind the series was that in the year 2020, crime was rampant in Empire City. Big Boss and his gang of crooks were running roughshod over the Empire City police and as a last resort, the mayor was forced to request federal assistance. Unlike in the real world, getting the federal government involved got results for Empire City, in the form of special agent BP "Bullet Proof" Vess (get it?).  During one of his early encounters with Big Boss's henchman, Vess is badly wounded to point where his torso and legs need to be rebuilt with enhanced cybernetics, making him Bulletproof for real. Realizing that he cannot tackle the Big Boss problem alone, Vess recruits some of the best law enforcement agents from around the country.

In addition to Bulletproof, the original team were:

PJ O'Malley, codename:  Longarm - Empire City Police sergeant and Bulletproof's second in command. Longarm was uniformed like a normal cop and wore a device on his wrist that fired a handcuff... that he was somehow able to aim and catch crooks by their wrists. This was one of my favorite things as a kid, but now that I think about it, logistically, its kinda dumb. Because how would that work??

Rex Pointer, codename: Bowser. I hope you like punny names by the way. Bowser was a K-9 officer from Chicago. He was partnered with a robot police dog named Blitz.

Walker Calhoun, codename: Sundown. A Texas Ranger who dressed the part, he had high-tech six guns and a lasso.

Colt Howards, codename: Mace. A SWAT officer from the Philadelphia Police Department. Had a really cool laser bazooka.

David E. Harlson, codename: Highway. A former member of the California highway patrol. A motorcycle cop. Named David E. Harlson. SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE?? It gets worse...

Donnie Brooks (see?), codename: Hardtop. Another Empire City cop, he drives the Ironsides vehicle, which is the future version of a patrol car.

Stan Hyde, codename: Barricade. A riot cop from the Detroit police department. He came with a riot shield and "MULE" device used for ramming back a crowd.

Hugh S. Forward, codename:  Bullseye. The C.O.P.S helicopter pilot, originally from the Miami police department.

All of the figures came with cap-firing accessories - giant guns, jet packs or anything else they could cram a spring-loaded hammer mechanism into. Even as a kid, I never liked these. They were too gimmicky, and made the weapons ungainly and burdensome.  I always used the secondary accessories like the side arms and nightsticks, and actually supplemented those with weapons from the Rambo figures, which were really great and realistic looking. My toy-playing had, uhhh matured by 1988, and I remember trying to have grittier storylines when I played with my C.O.P.S. Murder investigations, scandals, political intrigue, drug smuggling, etc. Anything my 10 year old brain could conjure up (or copy flat out from B movies I would sneak and watch on late-night HBO or WHT).

Which is pretty silly in hindsight, since the villains - Big Boss' Crooks - were some of the goofiest characters ever created. When I was younger I thought Big Boss was just a rip off of Marvel's Kingpin, only with hair and a cybernetic hand. And in a sense, he was, but they also threw a little Edward G. Robinson into the character's speech, just to liven things up. Oh, and he had a half-cybernetic pet weasel named Scratch. Come to think of it, quite a few of the Crooks had a prohibition-era vibe to their costumes despite the fact that setting was 2020 Empire City. The Crooks really were a strange bunch:

Barney L. Fatheringhouse, a.k.a. Berserko - Big Boss's dim-witted nephew and the Crooks resident thug.

Edmund Scarry, a.k.a Rock Krusher - The Crooks' strongman and perpetual jail-bird. He uses his cap-firing jackhammer to break into bank vaults.

Ted Stavely. a.k.a. Turbo Tutone - Big Boss' getaway driver.

Dr. Percival "Percy" Cranial a.k.a. Dr. Badvibes - A mad scientist who works for Big Boss making robots and other inventions to help commit crimes. Bad Vibes had an awesome look, with the top of his head replaced by a clear dome, so you could see his cybernetically enhanced brain.

Constantine Saunders a.k.a. Buttons McBoomBoom. Big Boss' cybernetically enhanced hit man. McBoomBoom dresses like a 1920's gangster in a suit and fedora, and has twin barreled machine guns in his chest. When he opens his coat, he also opens fire. Aside from his internal weaponry he carries around a futuristic tommy gun inside a violin case. Buttons was my favorite character.

In addition to these characters, the cartoon had 4 female cast members,  two C.O.P.S. and two Crooks, who never got made as figures. The C.O.P.S. were Tina Cassidy, codename: Mainframe; Empire City Police Department computer specialist, and Susie Young, codename: Mirage; a San Francisco vice cop. The Crooks were Stephanie Demeanor, a.k.a Ms. Demeanor; a lady criminal with super strength and a bodybuilder physique, and Raefella Diamond, a.k.a. Nightshade, a cat burglar. 

Wave 2 followed in 1989 with more C.O.P.S. and Crooks figures, but still no sign of the females.

The new C.O.P.S. from left to right were

Francis Devlin, codename: Inferno; a San Francisco firefighter (for some reason)

Sherman A. Patton, codename: Heavyweight; driver of the C.O.P.S. paddywagon the ATAC, and a military officer from Ft. Leavenworth.

Hy Watts (funny!), codename: Taser; A Seattle cop who tasers resisting criminals.

Roger Wilco (funnier!), codename: Airwave; an LAPD communications expert.

Charles C. Cruise, codename: Roadblock; an Omaha cop and driver of the C.O.P.S. highway interceptor.

Max Mulukai, codename: Nightstick; A martial arts expert  from the Honolulu police department

Dudley Defuze, codename: Powderkeg; A Washington D.C. bomb squad cop... named Defuze. Ugh.

Robert E. Waldo, codename: A.P.E.S. A Boston cop who used the Automated Police Enforcement System - stilt-like mechanical legs and grappling arms, making him able to climb buildings.

Missing from that picture above is Wayne R. Sneeden III, codename: Checkpoint; A military cop from Alabama whose father was a member of a top-secret military team in the 80's and 90's.

Hey, I wonder why New York got snubbed when it came to the C.O.P.S. recruiting?

The new Crooks, from left to right, were:

Bullit a.k.a. Tom E. Gunn, a.k.a. A. Senal; This guy was a walking ammunitions dump, and in the cartoon wore rocket shoes to ram his bullet shaped helmet into safes.

Hyena a.k.a Hardy Haha, a.k.a.Chester Jester, a.k.a. Joe Kerr, a.k.a. T. Hee; This dude's pretty much a Joker wannabe, right down to the high voltage joy buzzer.

Koo-Koo a.k.a. Alfred C. Fore, a.k.a. Thyme D. Laye, a.k.a. Francis X. Plosion, a.k.a. Levon O'clock; a clock obsessed time bomb expert.

Nightmare the Android, a.k.a.Cyrus Borg, a.k.a. Manny Partz, a.k.a. Jerry Rig; A mechanical monster created by Dr. Badvibes.

Louie the Plumber, a.k.a. M.R. Fixit, a.k.a. I. Beam, a.k.a. Two-Penny Nail, a.k.a. Brad D. Wall; Another of my favorites just because he's so weird. He's an all around Crooks handyman and carries a pneumatic nail gun to fight off the C.O.P.S.

The line was augmented with a whole bunch of vehicles, but it never got a playset, which is unfortunate because a C.O.P.S. headquarters or something would've been awesome. The line did have some nice vehicles though, my favorite of which was the ATAC paddy wagon.

A third series of C.O.P.S. n Crooks was planned but never released. The figures did show up in the 1989 Hasbro Catalog and looked to be the usual eclectic mix of weird heroes and weirder villains that was standard for this series of toys. I'd love to know what these guys real names were. Unfortunately it was not to be and these figures never came out.

By 1990 I think pretty much anything that wasn't Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was doomed to be dead on arrival (with the exception of G.I. Joe, which still had a few good years left). C.O.P.S had everything going for it too. Cool concept, excellent figures, a cartoon AND a DC comic book to promote it. The cartoon was pretty standard fare for an 80's toy property. Not great, but not terrible either. One thing that bothered me, then and now, is that the cartoon character models looked very different from Bart Sears' designs on the toys, which was an annoying disconnect that, while probably isn't what caused the line to fail, it didn't help. I remember the comic book being pretty good though, and I think I still have all 15 issues somewhere.

Oh and the intro theme song to the cartoon kicked all kinds of ass...

As did the closing credits...

Like it's way more successful cousin, the aforementioned G.I. Joe, the file cards for the C.O.P.S and Crooks were all written by Larry Hama. In fact if you're a particularly tremendous nerd, you noticed that Checkpoint's backstory, and real name, implies that he's the son of G.I. Joe mainstay, Beachhead. Adding to the comic-booky coolness, the package art (and actually all the original character designs themselves) were done by Bart Sears, Mark Pennington, and McNabb Studios. Sadly, the toy sales just weren't there, and C.O.P.S found its way to the discount bins sooner rather than later, which sucks because the series really had a hell of a lot of potential.

For a bonus "Way Back" I just thought I'd take a quick minute here to throw in another forgotten 80's toy line - Construx. Construx was a building toy released by Fisher Price in 1983. It  featured beam-like pieces of varying lengths that snapped onto cube-shaped connectors in order to build large frame-like shapes. Panels snapped on that let you add flat surfaces to the frames, allowing you to build anything from action-figure sized furniture, to walls to whole structures. Hinges, motors, wheels, and other movable parts expanded the number of different shapes that could be built, and even made moving creations and vehicles possible. This very cool line was discontinued in 1988.

So what the hell am I bringing it up here for? Well, since the line was discontinued, and thus heavily discounted in '88, I happened to get a whole bunch of them right around the time C.O.P.S. was one of the main things I was playing with. Now I told you earlier that C.O.P.S. didn't have any play sets right? Well thanks to Construx, that meant nothing in my living room. It also meant that the vast majority of my C.O.P.S storylines took place in abandoned construction sites, since mostly what I was capable of putting together at 10 years old looked like a framed-out, incomplete building. But Constux definitely added a lot of play value to my C.O.P.S. figures, so I thought I'd share because they were a pretty great toy in their own right.

And to close this thing out, here's some great C.O.P.S. commercials!

Thanks for taking this stroll down memory lane with me. My previous Takin' You Back... Way Back columns are linked below. Check them out!

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken
TYB... WB: Wheeled Warriors

JoeyEsq is a particularly tremendous nerd, and when he's not fighting crime in a future time, he can be found occasionally posting on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction

Takin You Back... Way Back: Wheeled Warriors

Well well well... Guess who's biz-ack? That' right kids, it's your boy JoeyEsq back with another long overdue edition of Takin You Back... Way Back. For those of you who are uninitiated, TYB... WB is the column here at CCD where I shed some light on the forgotten toys of the greatest decade of all time, the 1980's. This time around I'll be highlighting the toys whose commercials boasted they'd let you "stack and attack" (or, more accurately, stack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack and attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack), otherwise known as Wheeled Warriors.

More after the jump!

Wheeled Warriors were released in 1985 by Mattel. The Wheeled Warriors were basically vehicles that had tons of attachable weapons and accessories, letting kids customize them into all kinds of fun configurations. They were divided into the heroic Lightning League and the villainous Monster Minds. In an interesting twist (and contrary to the PC, hippie nonsense that some companies used to try to cram down kid's throats via toy and cartoon... Captain Planet, I'm looking at you) The Lightning League were all shiny silver and high tech, while the Monster Minds were basically living evil plants. The (very basic) story told through blurbs on the packaging was that the Lightning League were man & machine teaming up to battle the evil out-of-control plant brain vehicles of the Monster Minds.

Each vehicle had a particular feature or characteristic that defined it (and a punny name to help define that trait). The Lightning League vehicles were Armed Force, Drill Sergeant, Spike Trike and Quick Draw. The Monster Minds were Saw Boss, Gun Grinner, Terror Tank and K.O. Kruiser.  Each side also had walking transport vehicle (that were clearly designed by someone who LOVED The Empire Strikes Back); Trailblazer for the Lightning League and Beast Walker for the Monster Minds. Finally, the Lightning League had Battle Base vehicle/playset (which I will talk more about later).

Saw Boss vs. Armed Force

There wasn't much, content-wise to the toys' backstory, which I don't mind because that let kids use their imaginations and create stories themselves. As you can see above Armed Force had a clamp-like "arm" and Saw Boss had a big friggin buzzsaw, awesome looking teeth and beady, menacing looking little eyes. Look at that thing... you don't mess with the 'Boss.

Word

I think one of the most striking things about the Wheeled Warriors toys was that the vehicles just looked really cool. Drill Sergeant had (you guessed it) a giant drill, Spike Trike  was essentially equipped with a spiked steamroller drum, and Quick Draw had a folding arm with a little spiked wheel at the end of it. Lots of spikes in this toy line. The Monster Minds were even more awesome looking than the Lightning League. Each vehicle had eyes and teeth, giving the impression they were alive.

In addition to the main vehicles that comprised the Wheeled Warriors line, there were 2 "walker" type vehicles that could carry the smaller cars into battle... I guess if they wanted to get where they were going at a really slow crawl as opposed to driving there.

"My lord, I've reached the main power generators. The shield will be down in moments, you may start your landing.”

If this line suffered anywhere, it was definitely with the pilots of the vehicles. For the Lightning League, they were just generic dudes in brown jumpsuits. No real personality with these guys, unless you consider the fact that one guy is wearing a tie, and another flesh-colored sunglasses, to be personality.

You'd be wrong

The Monster Minds pilots were even worse. They took the whole "minds" thing way too literally. They were just viney, brain-like blobs. They made the fellas in the Lightning League look interesting.

Unless you find snot interesting... you weirdo

But where the Wheeled Warriors line failed in the figure department, it absolutely owned when it came to the line's only playset. In fact I'd go so far as to put the Wheeled Warriors Battle Base in my top ten playsets of all time (a list that I assure you is coming to this blog very soon). Seriously, this thing was the Maybach Benz of mobile battle bases. Of course, I used it for all sorts of other toy lines, from Transformers to G.I. Joe to Go-Bots (yeah that's right, Go-Bots. Yup, your boy Joey played with the Transformers' retarded cousins. AND I LIKED IT!)

Closed up in its vehicle mode, the Battle Base was a giant cube. With tank treads. It had three fold-down ramps to deploy vehicles, and the front right-hand corner flipped up to reveal a telescoping turret. The base was hinged down the middle of the front so it could open up like a book. On the inside, it had ramps, repair bays, a little command station, a weapons rack, and a cage that snapped onto the side of the Battle Base to imprison enemies. I can't emphasize enough how much I used to love this thing, and how many hours of play I got out of it.

There's probably a bathroom somewhere in there too

Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority of those play hours had nothing to do with Wheeled Warriors, and I think that was the big problem with this line. As a concept, Wheeled Warriors was very underwhelming. As readers of my previous TYB... WB articles know, these toy lines inevitably failed for two reasons, high price point or no cartoon to support them. Wheeled Warriors, however, is an exception to this. It had a cartoon. A pretty damn good cartoon too; with an epic, kick-ass theme song and writing by J. Michael Straczynski. Unfortunately, recognizing that the toy line was conceptually shallow, the writers of the cartoon went a whole other direction and created a bunch of characters who had nothing to do with the toy line, where the vehicles themselves were intended to be the stars. Thus Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors was born.

The cartoon was produced by DIC. It starred Jayce Lightwheel, his little sister Flora , their uncle, the Han-Solo like Herc Stormsailor, their magic robotic Oon Knightsquire (filling the obligatory Orko/Snarf role), and their grandfather Gillian Lightwheel. Jayce's quest was to search for his father, Audric Lightwheel, and save the universe from the wrath of Saw Boss and his shape-shifting plant family, The Monster Minds. Audric was a botanist who experimented with biotechnology. One of such experiment blossomed into a humanoid girl, who became his daughter Flora. Audric had also created a miracle crop that could thrive in any environment and was intended to end galactic hunger. However, a burst of radiation generated by a sudden solar flare mutated his plant into an evil, sentient being... you guessed it, Saw Boss and the Monster Minds. Audric manages to create a magical root that can destroy the Monster Minds, but they attack and he's forced to flee. Audric keeps half of the root himself and gives the other half to Oon, on whom he sends to serve Jayce. Jayce and the others become the Lightning League. Using the Wheeled Warrior vehicles, they travel the galaxy on a quest to find Audric, combine the halves of the root, and stop Saw Boss and The Monster Minds for good.

Sounds pretty cool right? Well it was. Unfortunately, these characters were not represented in toy form at all. I don't care how imaginative you are, no kid was going to pretend that the dude above in the tie is Jayce driving around in Armed Force, or the flesh glasses dude is Herc. And certainly not one of those green snot things is Saw Boss, who in cartoon form looked pretty badass. That wasn't even the worst of it. Flora rode around on a flying fish on the show. None of it translated to the toys and that definitely hurt the longevity of both the show and the toy line. The cartoon was cancelled after a 65 episode run, and the story was left unresolved. A movie was planned to tie things up, but due to flagging toy sales, it was never produced, and Wheeled Warriors died the same clearance bin death like so many other forgotten 80's toy lines before and after them.

If you ain't up on things, here are the previous editions of Takin You Back... Way Back

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken

JoeyEsq is an attorney, a geek, and when he's not flying around the galaxy on the back a fish with a plant-girl, he can be found complaining about things and trying to be funny on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction