Takin You Back… Way Back: Spiral Zone by Joe Esq

Well, well, well, what have we here? Another installment of my award winning (in my head) column, Taking You Back… Way Back. That’s right kids; I’m thawed out of carbon freeze, and ready to drop some more obscure 80’s toy knowledge on your heads. This time around I’m tackling Tonka’s 1987 foray into the boy’s action figure market, Spiral Zone. Ride into the Zone with me, after the jump…

I have to confess, I’m coming at you guys with literally no preconceived notions or personal knowledge of what Spiral Zone is all about. Actually, that’s not quite true; for some reason I can still sing the cartoon theme song, even though I have no recollection of ever actually seeing the show, and I know I never owned any of the toys. Anyway, apparently not satisfied with manufacturing giant metal blunt-force trauma inducing trucks and construction vehicles, Spiral Zone was Tonka’s attempt at getting a piece of the already crowded 1987 boy’s toy market.

YOU!

'87 was a weird year for action figures. Out of the big lines of the 80’s, Star Wars toys were already relegated to the discount aisle; G.I. Joe became a lot less realistic and a lot more strange and colorful (Cobra-lalalalalalalala); Transformers got more gimmicky by introducing Headmasters and Targetmasters; the Masters of the Universe line was petering out, even with the movie characters and Preternia dinosaurs being added to the mix; and Thundercats was on its last wave of figures, also about to vanish into nerd-nostalgia obscurity. The Ninja Turtles were still a year away, and one would think that the field was ripe for some new properties to grab a nice chunk of the market. Spiral Zone was not one of those properties… unfortunately so, because according to my research, Spiral Zone seemed like it could have been pretty cool. Especially if you're into color-coordinated teams.

Spiral Zone, the story of two futuristic dodgeball teams

Spiral Zone was a science-fiction story set in 2007. Rogue military scientist Dr. James Bent, hijacks a space shuttle and drops his deadly Zone Generators across half of the Earth. This creates a region called the Spiral Zone (due to its shape). The area infected by the Zone has dark skies, and a proliferation of “zone spores” growing all around. The people trapped in the Spiral Zone are transformed by the spores into "Zoners"; (essentially zombies) with lifeless yellow eyes and red patches on their faces. Because they have no will to resist, Dr. Bent – who now calls himself Overlord - makes them his slave army and controls them from the antenna on the Chrysler Building. His followers call themselves the Black Widows. They are Bandit (a Middle-Eastern terrorist master of disguise), Duchess Dire (an assassin and criminal mastermind), Razorback (an expert with bladed weapons), and Reaper (a former bounty hunter). The Widows are immune to the effects of the Spiral Zone because of a special device called the Widow Maker (clever!). However, due to prolonged exposure to the Zone, they also share the same visual effects as Zoners. Overlord’s goal is the typical 80’s villain fare - conquer the world by bringing everyone under control with the Zone Generators. The Zones feed off "human energy", which is a neat way to explain why Bent does not kill anyone inside.

Odd that the Black Widows wore primarily red and green

Overlord's initial strike puts all the major capitals of the world under the influence of the Spiral Zone. The chaos caused by this leads to international cooperation, even between the United States and the Soviet Union (remember kids, this before Rocky Balboa ended the Cold War). To counter the effects of the Zone bacteria, British scientists create a rare material called Neutron-90. Of course, only a limited amount of Neutron-90 is remaining in the world after the British government orders the destruction of the only laboratory where the material is produced for some reason (goddam limeys). Only enough Neutron-90 remains to build combat suits for five specially-trained soldiers called the Spiral Force, also known as the "Zone Riders." Commander Dirk Courage - the Zone Riders leader from the United States (apparently, his parents, like the parents of most 80’s toy heroes, knew he would grow up to lead the Zone Riders when they named him); Master Sergeant Tank Schmidt - a heavy weapons specialist from West Germany (a heavy weapons soldier named Tank! Ha!); Lieutenant Hiro Taka - an infiltration specialist from Japan; 2nd Lieutenant Max Jones - a special mission expert from the U.S.; and Corporal Katerina Anastacia - medical officer from the USSR.

 As the series went on, the Zone Riders discovered that there is still enough Neutron-90 left over from assembling the five suits, to build two additional suits. They are issued to Australian demolition specialist Lieutenant Ned Tucker, and field scientist Lieutenant Benjamin Davis Franklin. Also, French scientist Jean Duprey and truck driver Richard Welt would later join the Black Widows. They were codenamed Crook and Raw Meat, respectively.

"Zone Riders" is a much cooler name than the Spiral Force, incidentally

The toys themselves were essentially 7” dolls. Tonka (taking a cue from what Hasbro did with Transformers) licensed the toy rights from Bandai. The figures had cloth uniforms and plastic armor. Unfortunately, the series was cancelled before the figures of Anastacia, Tucker, Franklin, Black Crook and Raw Meat could be made, but they were planned, as was a Zone Generator playset (prototypes were shown in Tonka's 1988 catalog). The figures were also highly detailed, but were not as articulated as the Japanese versions. Each figure came with a special audio cassette tape too. It’s notable that there were more villains than good guys released in the first wave of figures as this is extremely unusual for pretty much any toy line ever.

Apparently General Grevious was a Spiral Zone fan

The vehicles were large and cool-looking. Commander Courage drove the Rimfire Cannon, that wheel-looking thingy that suspiciously resembles General Grevious’s vehicle from those “Star Wars” movies. Overlord drove the Bullwhip Cannon, which is that thing with the eight wheels. The other two vehicles, the Zone Rider Cycle and the Sledgehammer Tank were the non-leader figures means of transport. The Zone Rider Cycle is easily the coolest of all of these for my money. They also released eight weapons packs and six alternate outfits err, uhh uniforms... in case you want to play dress up with your Spiral Zone dolls, Mary.

I’m going to have Overlord put on his swank purple number before he conquers the planet!

Despite the series being developed by none other than J. Michael Straczynski (under the pseudonym Fettes Grey), and being supported by a cartoon that ran 65 episodes, and a DC comic book that lasted 4 issues, Spiral Zone became yet another property interred in the cemetery of forgotten 80’s toy. And, if you’ve been following TYB… WB, then you probably have already figured out why. These things were large, and as a result took up lots of shelf space, meaning stores were less willing to stock them. Sure Thundercats were larger, but they were blister carded and could be hung on hooks. Spiral Zone figures came in a bulky box, which took away valuable real estate from better-selling lines. The larger size also meant a larger price point, which means parents are automatically steered away. I’ve been beating this drum for many articles now, but when you can get five or six G.I. Joe figures for the price of one Spiral Zone doll, it’s a no-brainer for wallet-conscious adults (a.k.a. chiselers).

Additionally, let’s be realistic, after nearly a decade of being accustomed to action figures NOT being dolls, Spiral Zone didn’t catch on because well, they were. And, they were really bland and boring to look at besides. All the accessories and posh outfits notwithstanding, all of those figures up there look like slightly different versions of the same two guys. At a time when G.I. Joe was getting way brighter and more colorful, this just wasn’t going to fly. It's not only bad for aesthetic-conscious kids but also for semi-disinterested grown-ups, who aren't going to take the time to tell two nearly identical toys apart. They're just not going to buy one figure that looks just like the other, thinking they're the same. Thus died another toy line... which is a shame because if nothing else, Spiral Zone at least had a catchy theme song!

  

And, if you ain't up on things, here are the previous editions of Takin You Back... Way Back

TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. I)
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. II)
TYB... WB: He-Man Knockoffs
TYB... WB: Speed Round (vol. III)
TYB... WB: Bravestarr
TYB... WB: Supernaturals
TYB... WB: Bionic Six
TYB... WB: Inhumanoids
TYB... WB: Godaiken
TYB... WB: Wheeled Warriors
TYB... WB: C.O.P.S.

JoeyEsq is a practicing attorney, a non-practicing geek, and when he's not in the Spiral Zone getting Duchess Dire to try on different outfits, he can be found complaining about things and trying to be funny on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction

Takin You Back... Way Back!!! by Joe Esq

Yo CCDers! Your boy JoeyEsq is back with more obscure 80's toy goodness! Now everyone remain calm, your eyes are not deceiving you, this really is the second "Takin You Back..." in as many weeks. I have no real explanation for this sudden burst of creativity and inspiration, but lets not question it too much and just enjoy the ride. Ok? Great!

This week's topic is so obscure that before I did the research for this article, I didn't even know what the toys were called! Seriously, I started gathering the info by typing "Japanese robots" into a google image search and scouring the results for something that looked familar. I wanted to write about toys I had actually owned for this week's article because to be honest, it was a little difficult to write about Inhumanoids  last time since, aside from one figure, I never actually owned or played with any of them. Now you might be asking yourself how its possible that the same nerd who still remembered the words to the theme song from Vytor: Starfire Champion twenty-five years after the first and last time he heard it could possibly have owned a series of toys that he didn't even know the name of. Well, as I've revealed in previous articles, I was a spoiled little bastard, and just going by sheer volume of toys that passed through  my hands, one was bound to slip through the cracks. That toy series was GoDaiKin.

GoDaiKin was a line of giant robot toys released by Bandai America between 1982 and 1985. The GoDaiKin line was actually composed of figures from two Japanese toy lines, Chogokin and Popinika. They were essentially huge, Japanese robots, between 10 and 12 inches in height in robot mode, which I assure you to a kid is positively tremendous. They came in large boxes with carrying handles on the sides.  The name is a combination of the Japanese words for "alloy" (gokin) and "big" (dai).  DAIIII!

The initial release of GoDaiKin Deluxe robots was a series of ten different figures. Each one had unique action features that included spring loaded missle launchers, and seperating down into smaller robots or vehicles. The ten figures that comprised the GoDaiKin line were Tetsujin, Godsigma, Sun Vulcan, Gardian, Daltanias, GoLion, Combattra, Goggle V, Voltes V, and God Marz. Of these, I had Godsigma and Gardian (or so I learned just now!) both of whom I got from my grandparents. One I'm pretty sure was a Christmas gift. The other I vividly remember getting as I picked him out myself. Now, being a spoiled kid, I had a lot of traditions that related to me getting some kind of toy. Traditions like say, random trips to the toy store just for going to my grandparent's house every Saturday. Another of these traditions was that my grandparents (see a trend here?) would take me to Toys R Us on my last day of school as a reward for getting promoted to the next grade. The haul on grade school promotion day was obviously bigger than just a random Saturday toy store trip, however and on a sunny June afternoon in 1986, after I completed 2nd grade, I came home from Toys R Us with a giant box containing my second awesome GoDaiKin toy.

Godsigma was three robots in one. I got this guy for Christmas in 1985 and I remember being really fascinated with it. It  had a lot of cool parts and weapons, and it was almost like a Transformer combiner. I was also really intrigued because it wasn't a toy I was familiar with, which left a blank slate for me to do whatever I wanted with him. This would actually start a trend with me where I stopped playing with toys like they were "supposed" to be, and just made up my own storylines. Godsigma is actually made up of three robots and a ship. God Sigma's right leg is the blue robot Ocean King; his left leg is Land King, the yellow robot; Thunder King is the body and head of God Sigma, and Big Wing is the ship.

Unfortunately, as far as playability goes, there wasn't much. GodSigma had almost no articulation and was kinda thick and clunky. Still I give him props for being one of the first non-mainstream, non-American toys to ever grace my lving room.

The GoDaiKin figure I got for getting promoted to the 3rd grade was called Gardian. Gardian was a giant robot, that was really three robots in one (hey just like GodSigma!). Only instead of forming limbs of a much a larger robot, these guys nested one inside another, like those little Russian doll things. The giant robot was named Garbin, the middle one Delinger and the smallest Protteser. When they formed together, they became Gardian, although that seems kind of strange to me since Gardian is really Garbin but with the other two inside of him. The robots also came with Daigo, the rubber pilot figure who fit inside the Protteser robot, and Clint, Daigo’s cybernetic leopard. I remember the articulation being particularly good, especially in the arms (which when fully combined were really arms, within arms, within arms). I also really liked the wide array of swords, axes and missiles this guy came with. I could probably say more about him, but really the pics I’m including with this article speak for themselves (much thanks to the various websites I’m stealing, err, uh borrowing them from). My research shows that toy itself actually dated from 1979, and was merchandised from an Anime series called “Gordian Warrior”, but six-year-old Joey didn’t know that so Gardian, like Godsigma, got relegated to my Transformers box. I distinctly remember using Clint as Ravage, in fact.

Unfortunately, as these things were probably more aimed at collectors than kids, both Godsigma and Gardian were kinda fragile and not made to withstand being played with. Not the way I played with my toys, anyway. They both broke and lost limbs and pieces until eventually, the remains of both Godsigma and Gardian wound up being donated to Tommy’s box of Junkion parts. That’s right, they ended up in my best friend’s box of parts used to simulated Wreck-Gar’s planet of junk. Not the most auspicious end for two really cool looking robots, and just another reason I lament not taking better care of my toys when I was a kid.

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Obviously, GoDaiKin failed to take off here in the U.S. Bandai America had no American facilities for manufacturing figures, so they were imported from Japan in just the styrofoam to Bandai's New Jersey US Headquarters, where they were placed inside the new boxes. The large size of the toys, the expense of their construction, and the freight costs of shipping them over to America led to the toys being really expensive; some having a retail price of around US $80 - which as we learned in last week's column, is around $43,000.00 dollars today. Now, if we've learned anything from my "Takin You Back..." columns, it's that a high price point will kill a toyline dead in a matter of minutes. It's like pouring drano in a fishtank. When you think about it, it makes sense too. As much as I like to joke about cheap parents, when your choice is one giant robot with weird Japanese writing on the box, or approximately SEVENTY FOUR G.I. Joe figures, it's really not a choice at all.

  

Bandai introduced a smaller range of figures alongside the next batch of Deluxes for its second series of figures, but the writing was already on the wall. Competition from cheaper, more popular robot toys like Transformers and GoBots, and the fact that (say it with me) GoDaiKin had no cartoon tie-in to promote it (because the robots themselves were drawn from a whole bunch of different anime series - some of which had actually aired in America in different forms already), meant a short stay on the shelves of aisle 7C...

...With of course, the exception of GoLion. Some of you observant readers might have noticed a familiar looking dude hanging out in some of the group shots up at the top of this article. Some of you might have even said "Obscure toys? Joey doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, that's Voltron!" Well you've got some attitude mister! Yes, smartypants, you're right, that IS Voltron. I don't really want to talk much about Voltron here because along with G.I. Joe, Transformers, Star Wars, He-Man, and possibly Thundercats, Voltron is one of the most enduring, popular and well-known toys of not just the 80's, but all time. But for a quick history lesson,  Matchbox imported the Lion Force Voltron from Popy (a subsidiary of Bandai) in 1984. In Japan he was known as Beastking GoLion, and actually made it to America in that form via the first series of GoDaiKin robots as well as repurposed as Voltron. The footage from the GoLion series was heavily edited to create what we Americans knew as the Voltron cartoon.  Changes made to the series included rewritten dialogue, omitted character deaths, toned-down violence, and some altered plot developments. I actually thought I owned the GoLion version of Voltron too, but I was wrong... I owned a BOOTLEG of the GoLion version, purchased at the Aqueduct fleamarket, also in 1985. That bootleg was called Lionbot!

 Well this was fun. By the way GoDaiKin were far from the only imported Japanese robots that made it to mainstream toy store shelves in the 80's. The success of Transformers and to a (much) lesser (as in red-headed stepchild lesser) extent, Go-Bots, meant that toy manufacturers and importers were practically tripping over themselves to make Japanses products available over here. And so were bootleggers. I feel like I could probably do a whole other article on bootleg Transformers alone, so I'm gonna shut up now and save that topic for a future article, but as a little tease, I leave you with this image:

Me Sludge, confused...

 JoeyEsq has been bootlegged and imported to Japan. You can catch his latest adventures on his own blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction. Big thanks to www.CollectionDX.com from whom I robbed most of these photos!

Takin You Back... Way Back!!!

Hey kids, I know its been awhile, but I'm finally back with another installment of "Takin You Back… Way Back", the column where I take an in-depth look at some of the more obscure and forgotten toy lines of the 1980's.

Today's topic of reminiscent rumination is a toy line called The Inhumanoids. Released by Hasbro in 1986, The Inhumanoids were subterranean creatures who wanted to (what else?) destroy mankind and take over the world. They were opposed by a group of heroic scientists called Earth Corps lead by Herc Armstrong (whose parents must have known he was going to be a monster-fighting hero-scientist, since they named him that). Weird that this series is named The Inhumanoids and not Earth Corps; I can't think of another toy/cartoon series that's named after the villains.

So the story goes that the Inhumanoids were uncovered when a monster encased in an amber monolith was found buried in Big Sur national park, which is recovered by Earth Corps, who start off as a geological sciences research team. That finding spurs corrupt industrialist Blackthorne Shore(again, did HIS parents know he’d be a corrupt industrialist when he grew up?) to clandestinely uncover a second monster buried elsewhere.  That monster ends up being the giant vine-like creature called Tendril. Shore frees Tendril, who attacks the public unveiling of the amber block in San Francisco. Tendril releases another monster named D’Compose from the amber and they rampage through the city before fleeing into San Francisco bay. Earth Corps returns to Big Sur in search of further clues to the origin of these monsters, and discover the Redwoods, a race of sentient trees, who explain that they are members of a subterranean population known as Mutores, and that their kind sealed the evil Inhumanoids Tendril and D'Compose beneath the Earth ages ago.  Metlar, the evil Inhumanoid leader, remains imprisoned below the surface, paralyzed by the magnetic field of a Mutore duo named Magnokor. Magnokor is a member of another group of Mutores called the Granites, who are creatures of living stone. To make a very long story short, Metlar escapes and the Earth Corps battle the Inhumanoids with help from the Mutores.

As far as the toys go, Inumanoids were very cool and very unique looking, and I kinda wish I had some as a kid. At around 8 inches tall, the good guys stood apart from some of the more popular toy lines of the time. They were big and bulky, and they all had some kind of weapon/action feature instead of a hand. Any character that had a gun for a hand was automatically cooler in the 80’s, and that’s a fact. The Mutores were also pretty cool, if kind of uninteresting. There’s only so much you can do with a giant animated tree-man. But even given that, they weren’t bad.  Now, as cool as the Earth Corps figures were, the real attraction of this line was the monsters. The Inhumanoid figures were just awesome. Metlar, Tendril and D’Compose were giant – 14 inches tall – and hideous and just screamed “cool”. Actually, to a spoiled 8-year-old, they just screamed “buy me!”

The remaining members of Earth Corps were Auger, Liquidator, and Dr. Derek Bright. Auger was an archaeologist, the team's mechanic and designer of their exo-suits. Liquidator was a chemist whose suit has a spray cannon that shoots all manner of chemical compounds. Dr. Bright was an engineer, and designer of the Earth Corps' high-tech vehicles.

All of the Inhumanoids had a different underground realm over which they ruled. Metlar was like a giant demon-devil thing. With a beer gut. I could just as easily see him sitting back in some giant lava-rock throne, chomping a cigar and ordering his minions to do his bidding as I could see him tearing some hero’s guts out (see what happens when I start writing about toys I didn’t have? The imagination takes over). Anyway, Metlar’s realm was called Infernac, it was all fire and lave and near the Earth’s core. Metlar had an army of animated statues and could spit balls of flaming hot magma. His only weakness was magnetism, which could be used to immobilize and imprison him. Tendril was a giant plant creature with whip-like vines for hands and bearing more than a passing resemblance to Marvel’s Man-Thing (who bears more than a passing resemblance to DC’s Swamp Thing). Tendril could regenerate lost limbs and his severed appendages could even grow an entire new monster. I couldn't locate the name of Tendril's underground realm, despite doing an amount of research extremely disproportionate to the subject I was looking for. No one could ever say I don't suffer for my art. Now, for me, D’Compose was the real star of this trio. The ruler of Skellweb, he was some kind of enormous undead thing, all bones, with some kind of dinosaur skull head. His chest cavity was covered by a hinged rib cage that could open up. He would grab the good guys and shove them in there, imprisoning them an (I think) draining their life force. He could also turn human victims into giant undead monsters just by touching them. D’Compose’s only weakness is sunlight.

Kinda terrifying for a kids cartoon...

Inhumanoids was part of the Super Sundays cartoon block along with Robotix, Bigfoot, Jem & The Holograms and a few others. Along with Jem, it has the distinction of being spun off into its own series, which lasted a whopping thirteen episodes before it was cancelled.

In the end, like so many other toys we've talked about here in this column, what killed Inhumanoids was the price point. Interesting and awesome-looking unfortunately don't mean as much to a parent as cheap when it comes to features of the toys they're buying their children. The Inhumanoids were thirty bucks a piece. Thirty bucks! In 1986 that was like Nine hundred of todays dollars (yeah, I don't really understand how inflation works, but trust me, it was real friggin expensive for a toy).  My research shows that a second series of Inhumanoids figures was in the works at the time of the line's cancellation. The only character confirmed to reach the prototype stage by an ex Hasbro employee was another Inhumanoid creature called Ssslither. A set of these prototype figures were said to have been sold on Ebay in the early 1990s, but there are no pictures or collectors stepping forward to confirm this, and Ebay didn't exist in the early 1990's, so this is probably, in technical terms, a load of bullshit.

Inhumanoids was a really cool toy series, and I really do wish I had some of them as a kid. A D'Compose did come into my hands later on, but much after I was old enough to really appreciate it (meaning I was too old to play with toys... even for  me). As far as being a forgotten toy line goes,  as always, these things are relative. A google search reveals there are a few enterprising geeks out there who have made modernized Inhumanoids custom figures, and done a really nice job of it. Additionally, DVDs were released back in 2001, but the series was never finished. Oh well, at least we have YouTube. 

JoeyEsq is an attorney, a geek and obviously, a reserve member of EarthCorps. When he's not hanging around the Infernac lava pools, he can be found loudly complaining about things on his blog, Perpetual Dissatisfaction 

JoeyESQ's Ode To Toys

What's up CCD Fam, JoeyEsq here. Now most of you know me from my "Takin You Way Back" columns where I highlight various forgotten and under appreciated toys from that great decade, the 1980's. If you don't know, that's where I bring you up to speed on some of the more obscure, lesser known and less successful toylines that came out during my youth. Now when I write those columns I absolutely do some research, and Google Images and YouTube are phenomenal in the visual aide department, but in every article, at least some of (if not all) of what I write is from memory. That got me thinking, I have a lot of really fond, really vivid memories involving toys. Probably way more than a 33 year old attorney should admit to having. But whatever, thoughts of my old toys always bring a warm feeling to my heart,  so I thought I'd share some of those thoughts and warm feelings with you.

As I said, toys were a huge part of my childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, and even  remain so, in this alleged state of full adulthood I exist in today. Up until very recently, I would keep saying "this is the last toy I'm going to buy" and then awesome things like Masterpiece Transformers or the G.I. Joe 25th Anniversary figures come along, and I'm flushing disposable income down the toilet all over again. I'm a child I tell you. Anyway, even though Masterpiece Megatron was the last toy I actually bought, I still have visions of a shelf with him and Prime, along with the Seeker jets, Grimlock and Hot Rod somewhere at sometime in the future. Unfortunately, that probably won't happen since there are more important things to spend money on nowadays, but even if it never happens, I'll have my toy memories.

This first one takes us all the way back to the year 1985. My Grandma Marie and I had a long-standing (at least 3 years at that point) tradition. One Saturday before Christmas in December, she and I would hop on the A Train at the Aqueduct-North Conduit station, and trek into the city. Our destination was Macy's flagship store in Herald Square, to meet Santa Claus and to get me a toy. This was the first year I remember the trip in detail, including the memory of a memory… I remember standing on the subway platform as the train sped into the station and feeling disoriented, like the platform was moving undeneath me; and I remember thinking "oh yeah, I remember this weird sensation from last year's trip to the city". Odd the way memory works... as you're about to see. Anyway, we trekked into city, walked up 33rd Street past Macy's big competitor department store Gimbels', and into Santa's village. I got a picture with good ol' Saint Nick and then we went into Macy's toy department (back when Macy's HAD a toy department). Anyway, that year there were 2 hot toys for Christmas. One was the giant walking Transformer called Omega Supreme. Standing at like a foot and a half tall, Omega was absolutely enormous by toy standards. Up until that point, the only Transformer that even came close to his size was Devastator, and he didn't count because he was really six Constructicons combined into one. Needless to say, for a spoiled brat like me, Omega was a must have.

Look at this guy! Even now, I kinda feel like I made the right decision...

Nanny Marie was the perfect candidate for providing these "must-haves", incidentally, so things were looking up for Joey. The only snag was the other hot toy that Christmas, Teddy Ruxpin. Teddy Ruxpin was a truly awesome and revolutionary (for the time) teddy bear. He had a cassette player built into him, and when you played the special story cassettes, his eyes and mouth moved accordingly, as if he was telling you the story. Now at the ripe old age of five going on six, I was too old for Teddy (probably not really, but let’s face it, Omega was far cooler), but damned if he wouldn't be perfect for one going-on-two-years-old baby brother Mikey. So Nanny Marie faced a dilemma. Both Omega and Teddy were roughly a hundred bucks, which in 1985 was like two hundred and sixty five thousand dollars now, and despite my long-standing belief to the contrary, Nannies and Grandpas are not in fact, made of money. So, option 1; she could get me Omega, and something small and worthless for my brother. Option 2; she could get my brother Teddy Ruxpin, and something small and worthless for me. Or, Option 3; she could compromise, and get us both something in the fifty-dollar price range. For some strange reason she left the decision in my hands, and despite the fact that the word “altruism” probably was in my genius-brained vocabulary at that point, so were “selfish”, “greedy, and “venal”; and I wasn't about to set any new precedents after nearly six years of a staunch policy of self-centeredness. So that night I kept myself busy assembling a giant Autobot mobile defense base, and my baby brother got to play with his brand new, plastic Fisher-Price kazoo. Yup, a kazoo.

It was this kazoo in fact

You read that right. When Nanny Marie asked me what we should get my brother, now that I’d earmarked most of the funds for this monstrous toy, my response was a plastic version of one of the most useless and annoying musical instruments ever conceived. I took selfishness to new levels, my friends. I also had a giant battery-powered, walking, light-up Transformer, so as you can see, it was pretty much win-win. Now, you might think that makes me a spoiled little creep, but you have to keep in mind, at that point I was coming off of five years as an only child, Mike was only twenty-two months old. It would take me another eleven years to even accept him as a human being. I had to have me Omega. Besides, the joke is on me. All I have left of my Omega Supreme is his two hands (which join together to form a cool rocket ship), but that kazoo is still sitting in a toy chest in my mom's house, ready to be dusted off and used to annoy people everywhere.

WAIT... It wasn't Fisher-Price? It was a no-frills company? Ambi? Man, I AM a dick...

My next toy memory is a quickie, but a goody. This one really makes me sad actually, because it really harkens back to a more innocent time. A time when a tiny gesture could make my day. A time when mommy was my best friend. It sucks that things will never be this way again, and part of the reason I really want kids is so I can create moments like this. The moment I'm talking about, was one day after school, either kindergarten or first grade, my mom called me into the kitchen and asked if I wanted a cookie. This was strange, because it was before dinner, and she'd never done this before. I also didn't really want a cookie, so I declined. Undeterred, she then asked if I would go in the fridge and get HER a cookie. So I did, only to find she'd tricked me. She didn't want a cookie at all! It was all a ruse, and there in the fridge, on top of the bag of Chips A'hoy, was a brand spankin' new G.I. Joe figure (Tripwire to be exact). There is NOTHING in the world like the excitement of an unexpected toy as a kid. NOTHING. Every time I see the Tripwire figure; I'm reminded of this time, and if I let myself, I could get a little choked up over it.

I wish this guy was in my fridge right now. Cookies too...

Next up I'm going to do a toy speed round, where I match up the toy with the event that got me it. Being a spoiled kid, I tended to get toys for some really ridiculous reasons. Like in 1983, when my Nanny Grace and Grandpa Joe bought me the Imperial AT-AT walker for my parents wedding anniversary, or the following year when I got the Y-Wing for my brother being born (my parents gave me the Y-Wing ostensibly as a gift from the new baby… to soften the blow of the upcoming loss of "center of attention" status and I guess to endear me to the kid. (Yeah that worked well). Instead of money, I once got a bunch of Go-Bots from the Tooth Fairy (5 of them to be exact, one of which was Pathfinder... I surprisingly don't remember the rest). I got the Autobot City, Metroplex for my First Holy Communion. I later let Tommy's friend Stephen borrow Metroplex, with no accessories (including no fists) in exchange for being allowed to borrow his Superion. Superion was a giant robot made up of 5 other smaller robots, the Aerialbots, and was very cool. I kept that thing mad long, much to the chagrin of Stephen and his mom. Hah! Too bad! I remember I got Castle Grayskull and a slew of He-Man figures for Christmas 1983. This was also the year my Nanny Marie bought me this amazing giant R2-D2 toy chest/clothes hamper and filled it with presents. I Still have that R2 in fact!

Do you have any idea how many He-Man figures fit in this thing? 3-year old Joey does!

On Christmas Eve 1986, my brother finally got that Teddy Ruxpin. If there were any justice, I'd have been given a triangle, or a harmonica, but I guess there isn't because alongside his awesome gift, I got the Cobra Terrordrome, a giant headquarters for G.I. Joe's enemies, and one of the greatest toys ever made.

THIS! This AMAZING thing. Look at this prime piece of action figure real estate!

One of the first trips to Toys R Us I specifically recall was the time I got my first Go-Bots. I even remember who they were: Space-C, Jeeper-Creeper, Rest-Q and Loco. I played with them in the back seat of my mom's Chevy Cutlass while Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" was playing on the radio (my memory is fucking retarded).

"Last night I had the strangest dream..."

I got my Ewok Village from Santa in 1983, and I still have that as well.

Wish I also still had those pajamas!

In the summer of 1984, a day I spent at the pool in my friend Ronnie's yard. That day ended with his mom taking us to the newly-opened Toys “N” Things on Linden Boulevard. It was a great day, I got to go to my cool older friend's house across the street, Prince's "When Doves Cry" was on the radio a lot, and Ronnie's mom bought me the G.I. Joe Sky Hawk. We also went to the candy store that day and got Ghostbusters buttons – buttons that had quotes from the movie that were all wrong.

How great is the internet that I can so easily find pictures of incorrect Ghostbusters pins from 1984?

Another great G.I. Joe memory was that Hasbro offered tons of special mail away offers. All you had to do was collect "flag points' from the back of the figures and mail them in with shipping and handling and you could get all kinds of great figures and accessories. Nowadays when you get mail, 9 times outta 10 its a bill, or an invitation to something that's going to cost you money, but when you were a kid getting mail ruled. And getting a toy in the mail was like a fucking holiday! Speaking of mail away offers, Star Wars did that with figures too. I got 4-LOM, Nein Numb, Admiral Ackbar and the Emperor that way. On Christmas Eve in 1987 Nanny Marie and Grandpa Nick gave me Fortress Maximus, the largest Transformer ever. He stood two and a half feet tall, as tall as Mikey was then. I sold him for 700 bucks a few years ago. Speaking of Transformers, my very first Transformer was Megatron, the villainous leader of the Decepticons. I remember I got him on a Saturday trip to Toys R Us with Nanny Grace and Grandpa Joe. They also got me Hun-Dredd the Conqueror. He was the evil leader of whatever the group of robots that fought Maxx Steele and the Robo-Force were. These cool, although much-less-popular-than-Transformers robots had suction cup bases instead of legs. Anyway, I got home from my grandparent's with my new toys that fine Saturday evening, and my dad promptly took them away from me. I was punished at that time, for a reason I cannot recall, and my dad was being spiteful. I got them back a few weeks later. It took me about a month before I broke Megatron in my next-door neighbor Richard's backyard. The following week when I got out of the bath, waiting for me in the hallway was a brand-spanking-new Optimus Prime. Mommy felt bad that I broke one Transformer, so she got me another one. Mommy was good like that.

Another fun toy memory comes from a little later in life. Me and Rob DiPaolo were sleeping over by Tommy and Michael's house. As was our tradition, we made our Friday night walk to Ceaser's Bay and Toys R Us. We were probably 11 or 12 years old, and probably on the cusp of the age where you would think boys stopped playing with toys. In my case, I was halfway there. Anyway, at that point comic books were huge, and the Marvel Comics toys were riding that popularity. Now, having some earlier transgression against Toys R Us, which I believe was theft-related, Tommy couldn't accompany Michael, Rob and I into the store. ( I’m pretty sure it was for getting caught stealing Bucky O’Hare figures at some recent earlier time. Tommy will confirm, or correct me in the comments, I’m sure) He certainly missed out, because newly arrived at Toys R Us were the Venom and Juggernaut action figures. The three of us grabbed one of each and continued our journey up and down aisle 7-C and 7-D to look at the rest of the stuff (that's where TRU kept the boys toys before they turned the store into a stupid obstacle course). At some point Rob separated from us. Michael and I were ready to go, so we rounded a corner and there was Rob, face to face with a douche Toys R Us stock boy going "where's my figger meng?" Rob, it seems had opened the packages of the figures, and had them tucked into his right pant leg. Their accessories were in his left leg, but the guy didn't get those. For some reason I still don't understand, Rob's attempted stealing of those figures meant Michael and I couldn't buy them. So we just left instead. I believe I even got into a fight with Rob over this fact later that weekend. As you can tell I've always been passionate about my toys.

These figgers. We were left with whatever that harness thing Juggy comes with and a plastic spider full of black slime.

The common threads with all these stories is that I have tons of fond memories attached to random pieces of plastic and die-cast metal, and I huess also that my grandparents spoiled the shit out of me (this article really only scratches the surface on both of those subjects, actually). To this day I love toys, and until recently, I've spent many a dollar trying to buy up all these toys from my youth, to in some small way, recapture and immortalize those memories. It’s great to have something physical that I can look at and remember something nice my mom did for me, or spending time with my grandparents, or just a time when life was more innocent and simpler and just plain better. I miss those days… but I'll always have my toys.

Writing this got me wondering, I can’t be the only one who has memories like these right? I mean, Internet geekdom has to be teeming with people who have fond toy moments just like these, right? I can't be all alone, RIGHT?? RIGHT??? So, anyway, I'm thinking, you send in your favorite toy-related memories to joeyesq@aol.com and I’ll publish them as part of my Ode To Toys Part 2!

Takin You Back... Way Back: Bionic Six

Greetings earthlings! So, since I suffered a nice neck and back injury at the gym a few days ago, I stayed home from work a few days and had some time to write! That’s right, I’ve now written two articles in less than a month! This will probably never happen again! I can probably retire now! Anyway, I’m back with another installment of Takin You Back… Way Back; the column where I highlight some of the awesome forgotten toy lines from the greatest decade in the history of the known universe, the 1980’s! Today’s topic is one I've been saving for awhile so I could give it the attention it deserved: The Bionic Six!

**Click after the jump to read more!**

The Bionic Six was a toy line released in 1986 by LJN. The storyline went something like this: Some undisclosed time in the future after 1999, Professor Amadeus Sharp, head of the Special Projects Labs (SPL), creates a new form of technology to augment humans using bionics. His first subject was Jack Bennett, a test pilot who secretly acted as Sharp’s field agent, codenamed Bionic-1. One day while taking his family on a ski vacation in the Himalayas, Bionic-1 encounters an alien spacecraft. The alien creatures attack the family, causing an avalanche that buries them. While buried, the family is also exposed to radiation from a mysterious buried object. The Bionic Six officially have the most convoluted origin story ever. Anyway, Jack frees himself but discovers his family in a comatose state. Realizing that Jack’s bionics protected him from the radiation, Professor Sharp implants bionic technology in the others, awakening them, and giving them all super powers. Afterward, the family does what every family does after discovering their dad is a super-powered secret agent, they become a team of adventuring superheroes, the Bionic Six. So the concept, in corporate douche speak, was the Six Million Dollar Man meets the Brady Bunch meets True Lies (even though True Lies didn't come out until 7 years later) 

As you can see, the family is a group of diverse overachievers, a fact which I found annoyingly PC, even as a 7 year old. Seriously, what is that a friggin Benneton ad? They had an adopted black son AND a Japanese foster kid. They live in a secluded oceanfront home in the fictional city of Cypress Cove, in northern California. Each member wears a special ring and a “wristcomp” (a mini-computer hardwired into the wrist), which they use to activate their bionic powers. In extreme situations, the team could also combine their powers by joining hands, creating a "Bionic Link" to amplify their abilities Each family member had a different super power, aside from the enhanced strength, speed, agility and reflexes they all got from their bionics, (and the nine different areas of expertise they all seemed to already possess before becoming superheroes... like I said, overachievers).

Jack Bennet (Bionic-1) is an engineer, expert test pilot, gourmet cook and secret agent. His powers included x-ray vision, telescopic sight, optic blasts, eye beams that temporarily cause electronic devices to malfunction, and enhanced hearing.

Helen Bennet (Mother-1) is an oceanographer AND marine biologist (because why not?). She possesses various mental powers that allow her to occasionally see the future, telepathically communicate with other sentient and non-sentient beings, determine the function and operation of mechanical devices and project optical illusions.

Erik Bennet (Sport-1) is the shortstop on his high school baseball team. He has magnetic powers - he can attract or repel metallic objects with tremendous force, meld metal objects together, or rip them apart. This force is directional and he can adjust the strength of attraction/repulsion. He also annoyingly talks in baseball jargon and will often use objects as he would a baseball bat, including steel beams and lampposts to redirect incoming objects and energy blasts; infused by the same field that comes from his arms, he can use those ordinarily fragile objects to hit and deflect things they normally could not (for instance, using steel beam to hit an incoming asteroid).

Meg Bennet (Rock-1) is a member of the debate team at high school and uses lots of annoying “futuristic” slang to drive home the point that she’s a ditzy teenager (SO-lar! instead of “awesome” for example). Rock-1 emits sonic blasts from the projectors on her shoulders and also can run at blinding speeds.

J.D. Bennet (IQ) is Jack and Helen's remarkably intelligent, adopted African-American son and an amateur boxer. As IQ, he has both super-strength (he is even stronger than the other, superhumanly-strong members of the team) and super-intelligence. For some reason his codename doesn’t have the number 1 after it.

Bunjiro "Bunji" Bennett, (Karate-1), is Jack and Helen's Japanese foster son. He was placed under their guardianship after his own father disappeared 10 years ago. Bunji is an avid karate enthusiast. As Karate-1, he has enhanced martial arts skills, made more formidable when applying his bionics. He definitely got the shitty end of the stick, power-wise. The others are punching meteors and running at the speed of light; he’s doing katas really well and is now the top student in his Tiger Schulman class.

Because the family wasn’t exceptional enough, they also have a robot gorilla named F.L.U.F.F.I. as a housekeeper, who of course also helps them on their adventures.

Professor Sharp rounds out the team, (but he never got a figure). All of his research is supported by the government, and his work fell under the supervision of the government agency Q10.  He lives alone in his own private museum (of course he has a private museum, who doesn't?), which houses his secret Special Projects Lab, the Bionic Six’s secret base. Naturally - because why limit yourself to just 2 or 3 super complex fields of expertise - Professor Sharp excels in the fields of aeronautics, animatronics,  archaeology,  bionics, and neurology.

The main villain of the series is a mad scientist known as Doctor Scarab who is really Professor Sharp’s fat ass brother, Wilmer. Dr. Scarab is obsessed with obtaining eternal life and also ruling the world (because even the bad guys in this series are ridiculous overachievers).

Along with his gang of henchmen and his legion of drone robots called Cyphrons, Scarab plots to steal his brothers bionic technology, believing it to be the key to both of his goals. His henchmen all seem to possess lesser forms of the same bionics as the Bionic Six have, but to also have been physically altered by their transformations. They activate their, powers by punching the green jewel embedded in their chest and saying “Hail Scarab” (except Scarab, who would actually say “Hail Me”).

Dr. Scarab’s right eye has been modified with a monocle that can scan for bionics, even when they are disguised, and a destructive, high-powered beam. He also has enhanced strength.

Glove is a purple-skinned villain named for his left-handed blaster glove which is capable of firing both beams and projectiles. He is Dr. Scarab’s field leader and (like the 2^nd in command villain in every 80’s cartoon)  constantly seeks to replace Dr. Scarab as leader. Aside from his glove, Glove has super strength.

Madame-O is a blue-skinned female who wears a full face mask and uses a harp-like weapon to fire sonic blasts. She annoyingly ends many of her statements with the word "...dahling." She also has super strength, and appeared to be an elderly woman before Scarab modified her.

Mechanic is a dim-witted, childish brute who employs various mechanical tools as weapons nail guns, throwing circular saw blades, using a large wrench as a club, etc. Despite his a short-tempered nature, he has a soft spot for animals and cartoons.

Chopper is a pale green skinned, chain-wielding thug who makes sounds mimicking a revving motorcycle and rides a three-wheeled motorcycle vehicle.

Klunk is a monstrosity who appears to be made of living glue (or maybe Dr. Scarab’s jizz), who he rarely speaks a coherent sentence. Immediately after his creation, Scarab noted to himself to "use a little less power next time.” While relatively unintelligent, he is considered one of the most dangerous opponents to engage in battle due to his unparalleled strength (he is stronger than I.Q), high resistance to physical attacks and his gooey body's ability to engulf his opponent. Unlike the other minions of Dr. Scarab, he is horrified by his own transformation and longs to be human again.

The toy line consisted of 13 figures (Jack, Helen, J.D., Eric, Meg, Bunji, F.L.U.F.F.I., Doctor Scarab, Glove, Mechanic, Madame-O, Chopper, and Klunk), five vehicles and one playset. I HATED these figures as a kid. At first I thought they were cool since they were scaled at 3&3/4 inches like G.I. Joes, and made primarily of diecast metal, which meant they were heavy, sturdy, and could be used to defend yourself if you needed to. The bionics in the figures’ limbs were rendered in translucent colored plastic, which was a nice effect.  Now all of this sounds cool, but here’s why I hated them. To activate their bionics, the Six would insert their rings into their wrist comps, and the bad guys punch their chests, right? Yeah, well unfortunately, LJN didn’t bother to articulate the arms so that either motion could be mimicked by the toys! They (like pre “swivel-arm battle grip G.I. Joes) only bent at the elbow. No bicep swivel here. Hasbro had that shit all figured out back in 1982, so there was just no excuse for it in 1986! Plus I remember the case assortments were kind of wacky, so some figures warmed the pegs while others were super rare. Still, I’m pretty sure I had (and still have, in the same big box as all my Marvel Comics figures) every figure except Dr. Scarab and Klunk. 

The vehicles were all pretty cool, especially the MULES van, which could store and launch the Bionic 6's other mini vehicles; the Bionic Dirt Bike and the Quad Runner (note to action figure manufacturers: large vehicles that store smaller vehicles are really friggin cool). The other two vehicles, the laser chair and Dr. Scarab's laser throne, could shoot "laser beams" at each other and a sensor on the vehicle would make pieces explode off the toy, to mimick battle damage. Finally the playset, Professor Sharp's lab, was like most 80's action figure playsets, AMAZING. Look at that thing. That's prime action figure real estate! It had an elevator, a lookout tower, a rotating "experiment table" with electronic Bionic Beam Projector, ionizer cannon, force shields, a secret wall leading to the museum, a prison cell and an opening central control cylinder. Seriously, I wish my house had half this stuff! (thanks to Virtual Toychest, the only place on the net with any good pics of this thing).

The toy line was supported by a cartoon and some picture books. The cartoon was really good (for an 80’s toy cartoon, anyway) and lasted 2 seasons and 65 episodes. The show was really ahead of its time, it had a lot of continuity, a compelling storyline, and the style and animation were way more reminiscent of Japanese anime than that of a standard American cartoon.  A comic book was announced for 1988 by independent publisher New Comics Group, but it never materialized. Although the cartoon aired until November 1989, by late 88 the toy line had run its course, and by that time toy stores were increasingly reluctant to give shelf space to any toy not called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

So what killed the Bionic Six? Was it the really horrible package art (above)? Nah, it really was Leo, Mike, Don and Raph. The Turtles were such a juggernaut at the tail end of the 80's that almost nothing else survived. I may also do a whole article on how the action figure industry changed by the end of the 80's if I ever break a bone or manage to cripple myself somehow (so I have the time to actually do the research) Also, I wonder if the series didn't limit itself artificially by calling itself the Bionic 6. You can't really add heroes to the team without changing the name of the whole toyline. Whatever the reason, despite the lack of articulation in the toys, the Bionic 6 really was a bright shining star in the galaxy of forgotten 80's toys.

 JoeyESQ can often be seen smashing himself in the chest and exclaiming "hail me!" When he's not nursing strained muscles and writing about toys here, you can find him ranting on his own blog Perpetual Dissatisfaction.