Trailer Trash Talkin: 1981 or Bust!!! by Kristen Grillo

Well aren’t you sandworms in for a treat this week!

A few of my favorite films came out this month, 30 years ago.  And watching these trailers have set my geek panties on fire.  Surely, they will do the same for you.

History of the World Part I – June 12^th, 1981

Starring Mel Brooks, Gregory Hines, Dom DeLuise

Directed by Mel Brooks

Does anyone know why there was never a part II?  Do ya?  DO YA?

(don’t go & google it either. ya turd.)

Raiders Of The Lost Ark – June 12^th, 1981

Starring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman

Directed by Steven Spielberg

“Jones, do you realize what the ark IS?!”

“Ba-pa-dumpa!  Ba-pa-dummmm….Ba-pa-DUMPA!  Ba-pa-dum-Dum-DUM…..”

Despite the 20 seconds of silence at first, which makes me suspect for a moment that I have a slight hearing problem and causes me to crank the volume a liiiittle too loud, the trailer is filled with action!  Suspense!  Adventure! And wonder for the imagination!  But seriously, who are these bad guys again?   Yes yes, we KNOW by now who they are because we’ve seen this movie countless times, but really….they just seem to serve no purpose other than pure SABOTAGE.  Like snakes!  Indy haaates snakes.

Clash of the Titans – June 12^th, 1981

Starring Laurence Oliver, Harry Hamlin, Claire Bloom, Maggie Smith

Directed by Desmond Davis

 

Let me tell you why I think this trailer and movie still kicks ass to this day.  Forget that overpriced shitty remake that you watched recently.  I’ll take that freakishly creepy stop action medusa over that giant, unrealistic, phony ass kraken from the 2010 version any day.  The graphics in this 1981 feature are dope!  That’s right!  And you know,  CGI really stands for “Cartoon-like Garbage Imitation” anyway.  The more realistic they try to make things these days, the more silly they come off.  Most of the time anyway.  OK fine, usually once a year.  For the last three years.  Around the 4^th of July.  Yea.  I’m talkin’ to YOU, Michael Bay. 

Thumbs up for The Clash!

Trailer Trash Talkin': 1981 or Bust by Kristen Grillo

Oh hello.  What’s this?  What do we have here, you ask?  Another installment of Trailer Trash Talkin’?  FROM 1981 YOU SAY?!   Well burn my clothes….

Now, the issue I seem to have with trailers from the 80s is that they’re put together in such a way; it’s like completing a really shitty puzzle.  After you finish it, you have no idea what to make of it.  There’s just no god damn reward.  For example, watch this doozy starring a handsome Dennis Quaid, a young Kristy McNichol (Best known, in my mind, as Barbara from the 80s TV show Empty Nest) and Luke Skywalker…..er, um… I mean Mark Hamill.

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia – June 5^th, 1981

Starring Dennis Quaid, Kristy McNichol, Mark Hamill

Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell (known for crap, according to IMDB).

“He’s got the talent.  She’s got the brains.  Together, they’re one mean team.”

That’s nice.  That could mean anything.  He probably sings the best songs about loving guys!  Yea!  And she probably has the best brains when it comes to givin’ discounted lap dances at the local doohickey!  Alright!  Hey, maybe I’d see that movie instead….

The film’s title apparently has been lifted from a 1972 hit song, which isn’t even featured in the film.  It was actually rewritten and re-recorded instead.  A useless fact for all you sharp tacks out there….

 Moving on….released that same week was another installment from some classic stoners….yep you guessed it (yea, probably not)….Cheech & Chong!

Cheech & Chong’s Nice Dreams – June 5^th, 1981

Starring Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, & Sandra Bernhard?  Listed as “Girl Nut”  ß Haha!

Directed by Tommy Chong

This trailer is more of a TV spot preview.  Couldn’t find an actual theatrical trailer.  But still, if I was 30 in 1981 (and how I wish I was)….and I saw this on my TV….I wouldn’t know what to make of it.  I mean really!  What’s going on here?  Do YOU know? Really?!  Yes, really. 

And that’s that.  Do you remember any of these films?  How do you think they would fair in today’s box office?  Let us hear your rambles!  Praise be to Jesus!  And all of those born in the glorious year of 1981.

Trailer Trash Talkin': 1981 or Bust by Kristen Grillo

Trailer Trash Talkin’: 1981 Or Bust!

So in case you missed it last week, CCD is allowing me to introduce you to the good, the bad, and the god awful movie trailers of 1981.  Every week we’ll go back in time and see what was playing in theaters 30 years ago.  My, my how times have changed.  Or….haaaave they?  Have you SEEN the disgraceful remakes that have been announced lately?

Now get a load’a these gems that were released this week in 1981…

Outland – May 22^nd, 1981

Starring Sean Connery, Peter Boyle, Frances Sternhagen

Directed by Peter Hyams

There’s some chatter that this movie is set to be remade this year.  How surprising.  I’ve never seen this film.  And now I want to….before a shitty remake is made.  Hello, Netflix Queue!

Check out some of these taglines too:

1. “On Jupiter’s moon, something deadly is happening.”  - (Is that so…)
2. “Even in space, the ultimate enemy is man.”  - (When I looked quick, I swear it said “enema”).
3. “On lo, one of Jupiter’s moons, Sean Connery is the law.” 

Now… replace Sean Connery with……Channing Tatum!  (Gross).

Bustin’ Loose – May 22^nd, 1981

Starring Richard Pryor, Cicely Tyson

Directed by Oz Scott

The trailer quality is terrible but it was the only one available.  Please forgive me.  And YouTube.

While you’re at it, forgive Richard Pryor.  This film looks like pure crap.

The Four Seasons – May 22^nd, 1981

Starring Alan Alda, Carol Burnett

Directed by Alan Alda

This film got a rating of 7 out of 10 stars on IMDB.  Let’s go to the video tape….

Surprisingly, I enjoyed this trailer.  If this movie was (re)made today, it’d probably be casted with young, attractive people and would include awful cheesy antics as an attempt to be cute and relatable.  (Katherine Heigl anyone?) 

And that’s that.  Do you remember any of these films?  How do you think they would do in today’s box office?  Let us know!  And God bless all….who were born…in 1981.

Trailer Trash Talkin': 1981 or Bust! by Kristen Grillo

Thirty Years Ago…..in a wormhole far, far away… Thirty years ago, my mother had the greatest gift she was ever going to receive in her life… percolating inside her belly. If you guessed indigestion……well you’re WRONG! I’m talkin’ about ME!

That’s right friends. This old broad will be turning 30 in August. With that, an interesting thought had come to mind. I wondered, “What movies were coming out RIGHT NOW but thirty years ago right now”? Sure you have some great classics like Escape From New York and Raiders of The Lost Ark, etc. But forget about the good for a second. What about the bad and the ugly? So, I decided to start looking up trailers of all sorts of films from thirty years ago. Movies I’ve seen but never really saw the trailer (because you know, at this time thirty years ago, I didn’t have eyes yet) or even trailers of films I never even heard of. The search has been pretty interesting.

Since we’re already into the 5th month here, I figured I’d start off with trailers of films that were released during the week of May15th, 1981 and then after the fun stuff, I’ll have a list of honorable mentions of films that were released from January – April. Cause after all, there were twelve months in 1981. Do you remember?…..

Take This Job And Shove it – May 15th, 1981
Starring Robert Hayes, Barbara Hershey

Kinda sounds like what I want to tell my job right now… The trailer is quite unclear but….you’ll get the idea.


I’ve never seen this film. By the looks of the trailer, there doesn’t look like much of a plot. These people just want the day off!

Happy Birthday To Me – May 15th, 1981
Starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, Tracy E. Bregman

A great classic!



My favorite part is when the cake gets the ax! Imagine if they remade this movie now? It’d be god awful! ::cough cough:: Fright Night ::

And that’s that. So, have you seen either of these films? Let us know! And God bless all….who were born…in 1981. J

Honorable Mentions:
January 1981

January, 1 Scanners
January, 1 My Dinner With Andre (1981)
January, 1 Death Hunt
Jaunary, 1 Fort Apache, The Bronx
January, 1 The Private Eyes
January, 1 Roar
January, 1 The Devil and Max Devlin
January, 30 The Incredible Shrinking Woman

February 1981

February, 11 Sphinx
February, 11 Le dernier métro
February, 13 Sunday Lovers
February, 13 The Dogs of War
February, 13 Eyewitness
February, 13 American Pop
March 1981

March, 6 All Night Long
March, 6 On the Right Track
March, 13 The Funhouse
March, 13 Modern Romance
March, 13 Back Roads
March, 15 Confidence (1981)
March, 20 The Final Conflict
March, 20 Amy
March, 20 Kelly
March, 20 Cutter's Way
March, 20 The Postman Always Rings Twice
March, 27 Thief
March, 27 Eyes of a Stranger

April 1981


April, 10 This is Elvis
April, 10 From Mao to Mozart
April, 10 The Howling
April, 10 Going Ape!
April, 10 Excalibur
April, 10 Nighthawks
April, 17 Improper Channels
April, 17 Caveman
April, 24 Beyond the Reef
April, 24 Cattle Annie and Little Britches
April, 24 The Hand
April, 24 Second-Hand Hearts
April, 30 Friday the 13th Part 2

Trailer Trash Talking #10 - Friends With Benefits by Kristen Grillo

Friends With Benefits – New Trailer: Release Date: July 22, 2011.

Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Emma Stone, Patricia Clarkson, Woody Harrelson

I know. You’re just as confused as I am, right? You’re sittin’ there in your little house dress.... scratchin’ your hairy chin and saying to yourself, “didn’t this movie come out already?!”


Well you know it did. And I know it did. But I don’t think the sheeple of Hollywood think you know and I know that they know it did but they just don’t care. So now what?

The really bizarre thing here will be that, regardless of this cinematic repeat parrot, chances are it will do annoyingly well at the box office. Presumably because (in my best cornish, Zoolander impression) of it’s really, really, ridiculously good looking leading starlets. Chicks also tend to eat this corny fake romance crap up while guys will tolerate it and go see it in hopes to get a sneak peak of Kunis’ snack sacks. 89.7% (yes this is an accurate figure!) of my male friends admitted to seeing Black Swan because they wanted to see Portman and Kunis dine out on each other. Not that there is anything wrong with this but…I’m sure you get my point.

Another thing that ruffles my feathers is that the additional talent that is involved in this movie is confusing to me. Woody Harrelson and Richard Jenkins? Who the hell convinced these “way too overqualified” people to add this tasteless crap to their resumes? Maybe I’ll consider the whole “they didn’t know a similar film was being made” excuse, which I really don’t believe either because everyone knows what everyone is doing in this business. Or they felt like “trying something different.” But really, all you need to see is Justin Timberlake being airlifted by a helicopter in a straight jacket to know that this movie is going to be an absolute waste of $12+ bucks. Too bad this shit isn’t being released on April Fool’s Day. Then I’d totally be in on the joke.

Trailer Trash Talking - Vol#8 by Kristen Grillo

Paranormal Activity 2: Directed by Tod Williams.  Release Date: October 22, 2010.

Hitting the internet scene this week and causing quite the quiff was the teaser trailer to the sequel of Paranormal Activity. Who even knew a second one was being made…and so soon! 

To my surprise, I actually like the teaser.  When I hit play, I already felt like I was being duped into watching those ghey (yet so, so cruel) video email pranks where you’re watching ducks swim in a pond and some exorcist, creep face mother-bitcher pops up and starts screamin’ maniacally in your grill piece until.  So anyway, I’m watchin’ the teaser and I immediately start to creep down at my desk.  And I’m creepin’ lower and lower….peepin’ one eye above a pile of paperwork to see what shit’s going to scream in my face next.  And well…..just check it out for yourself…..

While there really  isn’t much to go on here, like whose in it,  you can't deny that it still captures that creepy, eerie, watching with a blanket over your head sort of feel that the first film gave you.  The dog.  The baby in the crib! (::gasp:: oh no!)   The mirror doors in the bedroom & that sexy green mood lighting.  Chances are it won’t be extraordinary but it sure will be fun.  And just in time for the best holiday ever….Halloween!

KMG’s Anticipation Grade:  B

Trailer Trash Talk Volume #4 by Kristen Grillo

Buried. Starring Ryan Reynolds

 Release Date: October 8, 2010

When I first heard of this film being viewed at Sundance back in January, I didn’t think much of it. An unknown director (Rodrigo Cortés) was attached. It’s only well known lead was that of Ryan Reynolds. And the basic synopsis of “a man being buried alive” really didn’t leave much of an impression. “Big deal”, I thought. Like that’s never been done before. But reading a preview and actually viewing one can deliver two very different reactions. Most of the time when you read a movie’s synopsis it always sounds better than it actually is. With Buried the results for me couldn’t be more contrary. Mind you, this is a fucking TEASER trailer. It’s 1:10 long and it’s really all I need to make a sure decision that I want to see this film. Successfully, the trailer has sold me in record time. I wish there was a way to convince the film’s producers to keep this teaser as its only form of advertisement for the next five months. Any more reveal, and all its obscurity will start to deflate like a 60 year old pair of snack sacks. See for yourself:

(Sound is low. Turn the volume up.)



In case you’re not as impressed as I am, keep in mind the following: While the whole “buried alive” premise is surely nothing original, in my opinion it’s never been convincingly done before. Usually there is some sort of “gore, zombie terror” tied into it or some strange revenge plot that allows lazy writers to rely on the idea of being buried alive rather than incorporating it into an intelligent story. With Buried being independently financed and filled with mostly unknowns, the only way this movie COULD garnish attention is with an attractive tale to tell. That being said, the trailer leaves me with the uncomfortable desire of wanting to know more. I have to say, I’m itchin’ with anticipation here. I just hope I’m not hyping myself up into disappointment. Cause that certainly has been done before. Your thoughts? Let ‘em fly, kids.

Buried: Anticipation Grade: B