Yeah buddy! Your boy Mike D is here to present 10 sure to be awful horror movie choices from Netflix Instant... and I choose these 10 movies strictly based on the ridiculously awesome titles that they posses. This is gonna be fun... check out my 10 choices after the jump!
#10- Rockula - 1990 - Dean Cameron, Toni Basil
Synopsis: After failing to save his lady love, Mona (Tawny Fere), from being killed by a pirate with a rhinestone peg leg brandishing a ham bone, vampire Ralph LaVie (Dean Cameron) suffers from a curse forcing him to meet the reborn Mona and watch her die again every 22 years. Now he's determined to break the curse and finally have a life with the woman he loves. The rockin' soundtrack includes music from Bo Diddley and Toni Basil (who plays Ralph's mom).
My Thoughts: Yeah, so any Vampire movie that starts off with a pirate sporting a rhinestone leg and brandishing a ham bone as a weapon (Netflix's words, not mine) that then curses a vampire for all eternity is sure to get a viewing from me. Throw in the always lovely Toni "Hey Mickey Your So Fine" Basil and I am sold!!!
#9- ThanksKilling - 2009 - Chuck Lamb, Lawrence Predmore, Wanda Lust
Synopsis: While on their way home for Thanksgiving break, five college kids run afoul of a homicidal turkey that wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one, the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last Thanksgiving feast ever? Writer-director Jordan Downey's holiday-themed horror spoof features an appearance by adult-film star Wanda Lust.
My Thoughts: With that box art and description, how could you skip this one? A killer turkey? Serves us right after all the years of killing them innocent birds! Plus it has a porn star. Yup, good to go...
#8- Retardead - 2008 - Rick Popko, Dan Burr, Beth West
Synopsis: Mad scientist Dr. Stern (Dan Burr) is turning students into super-smart cannibalistic zombies, and the local cops are too busy chasing a sex fiend to stop the flesh-eating ghouls. Fortunately, Stern's nemesis, FBI agent Susan Hannigan (Beth West), is on the case. As the ravenous monsters overrun the town, Hannigan tries to convince Stern's faithful assistant to reveal how to foil the crazed doctor's evil scheme.
My Thoughts: Now thats what I call a title... lol. Although I am a bit confused, albeit intrigued, by the fact that the movie is called Retardead, yet the zombies are supposed to be supper smart. What's up with that? I'm confused... yet I can't wait!!!
#7 - Blood Hook - 1986 - Mark Jacobs, Lisa Todd, Sara Hauser, Christopher Whiting
Synopsis: Camp and carnage make for a perfect catch in this schlocker. When hordes of anglers besiege a normally serene lake to try their luck in an annual fishing competition, the underwater critters aren't the only ones in danger of being gutted. A sadistic serial killer is on the loose, hooking his human victims off boats and reeling them in like a trophy muskie. He then grinds up the bodies as feed for his bait minnows. Points for originality!
My Thoughts: One of the only Troma movies that I have never seen. Lloyd Kaufman and his crew of merry misfits never disappoint, and this one looks no different. Jim Mallon, star of Mystery Science Theater 3000, directs this surefire camp classic with the taglines "Fishing was never like this & You can't worm your way out of this". Hard to skip this one.
#6 - Slaughtered Vomit Dolls - 2006 - Ameara LaVey, Maja Lee, Miss Pussy Pants
Synopsis: Mercilessly abused by her parents and routinely molested by a deranged priest, young Angela Aberdeen (Ameara LaVey) pledges her soul to Satan in exchange for his protection and help in exacting revenge on her tormentors. But soon Angela's pact leads her down a sinister path overflowing with blood, guts, gore and vomit. This outrageously over-the-top gross-out film from director Lucifer Valentine contains graphic images of sex and violence.
My Thoughts: As if the name of the movie and poster drawing weren't enough to catch your attention, the directors name is Lucifer Valentine and the star is Ameara LaVey (like founder of the Satanic Church Anton LaVey). Kind of ironic for a film about a deal with the devil, huh? No... not at all actually. And that is exactly why I picked it. That and the fact that it has an actress named Miss Pussy Pants in it as well. Great stage name...
#5 - It's My Party and I'll Die If I Want To - 2007 - Adrienne Fisher, Alicia Kenney, Oliver Lucach
Synopsis: Some 70 years after Jacob Burkitt snapped and killed his entire family, thrill-seeking teens crash the allegedly haunted Burkitt Manor to give their friend Sara (Adrienne Fischer) a spooky surprise for her 18th birthday. But as the night drags on -- and her friends start dying off, one by one -- Sara begins to realize that an unspeakable evil is throwing her a killer party. Alicia Kenney and Oliver Lucach co-star.
My Thoughts: I picked this one on the strength of the title, which had me flashing back to my 80's baby youth inside Mom & Pop video shops looking at dozens of horror films with titles like this. Sounds fun as well, and the cover art was cool. I am sure it will blow.
#4 - Igor and the Lunatics - 1985 - Joseph Eero, T.J. Michaels
Synopsis: Sixteen years ago, the peaceful town of Tromaville was gripped with terror as deranged cult leader Igor (Joe Niola) and his sex-crazed followers -- the Lunatics -- embarked on one of the bloodiest murder sprees in history. Although the Lunatics were eventually caught and sent away, they're now out on parole -- and nothing will stop them from wreaking deadly revenge on the town in this campy gore fest from the twisted team at Troma.
My Thoughts: Now this is a Troma film I KNOW I have seen, but I don't really remember. So yeah, I am definitely gonna check back in on the residents of TromaVille. The premise on this one sounds wonderful, and believable due to early 80's parole laws!!! I hope Toxie or one of the Class of Nuke 'Em High passes by in a background shot. That would be great.
#3- Leprechaun 5: In The Hood - 2000 - Warwick Davis, Ice T, Coolio
Synopsis: The bloodthirsty Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is back -- and this time he's killin' in the 'hood. When a group of wanna-be rappers gets jilted by pimp Mack Daddy (Ice-T), the young victims exact their revenge by breaking into Daddy's place and stealing his stuff. But when they remove a strange gold medallion from the neck of an even stranger little statue, they inadvertently awaken the Leprechaun. Coolio co-stars in this gory horror flick.
My Thoughts: Even though I have heard of this movie and seen clips of this movie, I never actually saw this movie. It's got Willow and gangsta rapper/pimp Ice T as well as the braided wondered Coolio... it has to be fantastic!!! And they are all in Da Hood ya'll... it's like 227/Clockers with midget mythical monsters! This would normally be #1 on my list, but the two coming up are fucking doozies...
#2 - From A Whisper To A Scream - 1987 - Vincent Price, Clu Gulager, Terry Kiser
Synopsis: On the eve of his niece's execution, historian Julian White (Vincent Price) recounts four terrifying tales in this gruesome horror anthology. It seems the town of Oldfield, Tenn., isn't the sleepy hamlet it appears to be: White introduces four scary short stories involving necrophilia, ghosts, voodoo priests and demon children with uncontrollable appetites. Clu Gulager, Terry Kiser, Harry Caesar, Rosalind Cash and Cameron Mitchell star.
My Thoughts: I love anthology films, especially horror anthology films. I also love Vincent Price. Factor in a catchy cheese-tastic 80's title and a plot like this, and I am in. This one kind of differs from the rest of the list because it has a lot of actual potential to be good. Let's get back to what we set out to do...
And now, my #1 choice (drum roll, please!!!):
#1 - Rape Squad - 1974 - Jo Ann Harris, Peter Brown, Jennifer Lee, Lisa Moore
Synopsis: When apathetic cops fail to arrest the hockey mask-wearing attacker who made her sing "Jingle Bells" while raping her, seriously angry Linda (Jo Ann Harris) forms a team of fellow victims who learn karate and set out to exact revenge. As these femmes vigilantes track down the monster who violated them, they also bring street-style justice to pimps, womanizers and other creeps. Bob Kelljan directs this over-the-top sexploitation flick.
My Thoughts: Yup... this is how you wrap up a list like this. A rapist that forces his victims to sing Jingle Bells while he goes balls deep in them? Holy. Fucking. Shitballs. I wish I could have been on set when the director was filming this scene: "Alright Jo, struggle against this creep but make sure you hit all the FaLaLaLaLa's in this motherfucker!!! " I can't wait for this one... wow. I might watch this one first!
