A Human Centipede To Keep You Warm

My Mother has been on my case for my entire life to put a scarf on when I go outside. I never do. I hate the way they feel, and I hate the way the look. But perhaps there is hope... What better way to keep my pale little neck warm than with an image of numerous people surgically attached ass to mouth?

You can pick up one of these over at Etsy. Mother's around the globe can finally rejoice.

Could this piece of pop culture clothing be the just thing needed to cause me to overcome my lifelong aversion to fabric neck warmers!? I think it is!!!

...wait...

It's 95 bucks?!

An Argument of Depravity Pt. 1: The Human Centipede 2 Vs. A Serbian Film

Yesterday I decided to push my already twisted perspective on what is to terrible to watch for normal people to an all time new low, even for me. You see, lets just say that I have a history of watching/exposing others to seriously demented movies. You want examples... OK. I'm the guy who was 7 years old and renting EVERY SINGLE HORROR title in the mom & pop video shop on 110 st & Liberty Avenue because the teens who worked there would rent anything to anybody as long as there were no adults around. I'm also the guy who took his very normal girlfriend on a date to see a midnight screening of 'Cannibal Holocaust',which resulted in her crying in the car and almost breaking up with me. I'm even the guy had his 2 year old son in a highchair watching rare Fulci & Argento DVD's because I figured he wouldn't remember them (he does... and now he is a horror fanatic like I was at his age). I am a deviant when it comes to watching films. Yet when I sat down yesterday for a double feature of The Human Centipede 2 & A Serbian Film, I had no way to take into account for what was about to happen to me. Let's just say I am changed... changed forever. And not in a good way... not at all.

Click after the jump to read more (spoilers & depravity ahead)...

Welcome to the Thunderdome, bitch!!!

Since I was going to be home and the Twitterverse/Facebook world was buzzing about Human Centipede 2 being on Video On Demand, I figured I would give it a shot. Once I saw that it was available on IFC On Demand, I made it happen... but first I fried up a lovely turkey & cheddar cheese omelet. As I sat down and started the film, I realized that I had clearly made a mistake. Scenes from the 1st Centipede jumped across the screen, and I felt my stomach turning as I caught my first glimpse of Martin (the new bad guy). I even tweeted the following:

"About to watch Human Centipede 2 on #VOD. Love my girl @ashlynnyennie I know this is gonna be a tough 1right after breakfast! #asstomouthFTW"

I knew my instincts were right when the action began, and from the very beginning Martin does not disappoint. This maniac hits people in the head with crow bars, shoots a few folks in the kneecaps (just to disable them, not to kill them), and duct tapes the shit out of them in preparation for his attempt at a real life Human Centipede. Yup, in this film (H.C.2) Martin exists in our world, and he has been driven crazy trying replicate the experiment the good Doctor executed in Human Centipede 1. He works in some dank underground garage which provides him with countless people no one will miss as he attempts to expand the Centipede from 3 people to 12. Good Fucking God.

Hot, no???

Director Tom Six uses black and white for most of the movie, and I have to say it makes everything even more fucked up. Creepy ass martin walks around in his undies with his over-sized belly sticking out and his lunatic mother nagging the shit out of him. He is stockpiling bodies for the experiment left and right... and then he has the best idea yet: He is going to invite the original actor & actresses from  Centipede 1 (Ashlynn Yennie, Ashley Williams, and Akihiro Kitamura) to his hometown under the guise of a  false audition with Quentin Tarantino so that he can include them in his 12 person Centipede!!! What a great fucking idea... wow, mad points to Tom Six! This is a great way to get the old gang back, because even though their CHARACTERS died in H.C. 1, they are alive in the real world, right? All in all, very meta...

So I am not going to get into full on specifics on each kidnapping/handicapping Martin gets into, but lets just say they are all very brutal and not very hygienic. Two scenes stick out to me the most. One involved a black couple with a baby... and that one even freaked me out. I even tweeted this afterward:

I don't know how this black 2 year old baby is going to factor into The Human Centipede 2, but I must admit that I am intrigued. #MartinFTW

Lets just say it was bad. Thats that. Then there was the scene when Martin finally got tired of his mom's shit. First he lets his pet centipede (which is gigantic and gross as fuck) take a bite out of her face, then he caves in her skull with his trusty crow bar.

Disgusting... and well played!

All the way through... to the point where you can see out the back. Awesome. He then goads his Nazi skinhead neighbor down into the house and completes the hometown sweep by kneecapping him with a bullet and tying him up. A truly excellent scene, and so gross that I nearly vomited at one point. This is how you do torture flicks. Take notice...

The lovely Ashlynn Yennie. When she is not forced ass to mouth with her co-stars she cleans up nice!

Out of the original three, only the lovely Ashlynn Yennie shows for her proposed audition with Maestro Tarantino. She is psyched, but when Martin escorts her to the warehouse, turns on the lights and reveals the tied up victims... well, lets just say her attitude changes a bit. Martin cracks her one with the crow bar (this gets a bit repetitive throughout the movie, and Martin looks ridiculous doing it.) Guess who is going to be the head of the ass to mouth choo-choo train? Six must really like Yennie, because she gets an upgrade from the back of the bus to the front this time around. No shit shakes for her, thank you very much. But I digress....

Martin takes this guys plan...

... and adds a bit of his own artwork to the gig...

... and then implements these tools to do the job!

Martin begins his archaic attempt at duplicating Herr Doctor's insane experiment, and this begins with him knocking out every bodies teeth with a hammer and disconnecting their patella tendons so as they can't escape. These acts of "surgery" by Martin are extremely brutal to watch and I found myself flinching constantly.

Even when you look away, you can't escape the cruching sound each blow makes...

It was paining me to watch this. So I checked in on my Twitter. imagine my surprise when I saw this tweet from Ashlynn Yennie:

@CCD_blog ohhhh! Have fun with that.... Eeek 

Yeah buddy!!! The head of the Centipede, Ashlynn Yennie herself, tweeted me back. Ashlynn, you are down 4 life over here at CCD!!! God I love the life of a low level blogger such as myself... anyways,while I am high on life because someone as lovely as Ashlynn herself decided to answer me back on Twitter, Martin is getting the gang together... but unlike the Doctor's sanitary lab that showed no blood and shit, Martin's place of work is covered in blood, feces and unsanitary stuff. It is fucking disgusting. Then the pregnant broad Martin didn't apply to the chain-o-humans gets up and runs out... yeah, I just typed that. He gives chase, she gets in a car, she births a baby... yup, I just typed that as well.

Yup, I just had a baby while on the run from Martin...

Then she jams on the accelerator to escape... crushing said newborns skull in the process. Remember when I said this was one of the worse movies I ever fucking seen? yup, this was the exact moment that this thought occurred to me. Baby head crushed by his birth mother stepping on an accelerator? Yup, Tom Six is officially the worse human being on the planet Earth...

Yennie at the front of the shit-train

I'm not gonna ruin the final climax of the movie, but all I will say is that it gets even sicker. Yup, sicker the baby death by gas pedal. The aforementioned Ms. Yennie gets her shot at redemption, there is some barbed wire rape play, a funnel filled with laxative, the 'Pede splits into two, we get another appearance of Martin's pet gargantuan real life centipede... all in all, it ends just as sick as it had been. I barely held down my omelet.

Did you like my movie... see you in your dreams!!!

It was official... Human Centipede 2 was the sickest, most revolting movie I had ever fucking seen. Shit, it was the sickest thing I had ever even heard of. When the word about the shit that goes on in this movie starts to spread around, I am sure that I will hear many a story about people having a "2 girls - 1 cup" type reactions to the mayhem. Martin may be one of the most revolting leads in the history of horror films... and I am sure I will be seeing his fat, naked belly in my fucking nightmares for years to come. The images in this sick as fuck film would be etched in my head forever... surely nothing was going to top this one on the gross-out scale for a long fucking time.

My ratings for The Human Centipede 2: As a regular movie 5/10... as a sick gross-out piece of cinematic gold that should be watched as a badge of honor: 25/10


When I finished this movie, I tweeted the following:

No shower in the world can clean me after #HumanCentipede2 but I'm not even trying cause I have A Serbian Film up next. Torture Films FTW!!

I meant it. I felt unclean and unpure. So naturally I did what any other normal person would do: I put on what has been called the bleakest, dankest, most disturbing film ever recorded and distributed to the world. A Serbian Film is the stuff of legends... but would it be bad enough to knock off the current gross-out champ, Human Centipede 2 from my sickest movie ever list? Tune back in to CCD tomorrow for Pt. 2 of this article and find out!!!

Meet Milos... star of A Serbian Film and nightmares everywhere!

See You Manana!

Meet Martin... Let The Ass To Mouth Surgery Begin NOW!!!

My day is complete. There is a trailer for the Human Centipede II.  Meet Martin...
***Check the trailer and more pics of this handsome bastard after the jump***

Am I totally sick for wanting to see this movie more then anything else this Fall? I truly loved the first film, and when I had the chance to meet the original three stars of the first film (Ashlynn Yennie, Ashley C Williams, and Akihiro Kitamura) at the 2010 Big Apple Comic Con and they were sooooo cool (Click Here to see that story). I am excited to see what Tom Six has in store... and this creepy Martin fucker is scaring the shit out of me more and more...