Trailer Trash Talk Volume #3 by Kristen Grillo

Killers - Starring Ashton Kutcher & Katherine Heigl and Tom Selleck - Release Date: June 4, 2010


Over the weekend, I went to check out Kick Ass (which overall I enjoyed yet I still haven’t fully processed the whole moral of watching the deadly, filth-mouth 11 year old Hit Girl character…but that’s a debate for another blog). While waiting for the previews to spin, I sat there with some pals contemplating on what the next review would be. I figured the previous reviews were all pretty favorable and I wanted to try and change it up this time. Just then, as if the heavens opened up above me and heard my prayers, this little gem rolled in:



Mother of God…where does one begin with this debacle? How about we start with our leads. I was never really a fan of anything Ashton Kutcher. I barely watched That 70s Show yet whenever I did tune in, his Kelso character was genuinely adorable and that’s about as much as I can tolerate from him. Otherwise, let’s face it; he’s really just useless as an actor. He’s not convincingly funny at all. His attempts of being a serious actor are middling at best. I would say the only thing Kutcher has going for him is that he’s charming, likable (both on and off the screen) and it doesn’t hurt that he’s a little easy on the eyes (although he’s a little too lean & delicate looking for my taste.) All these things just make you a regular type of guy. They don’t however, make you a good actor. Consider yourself lucky, Ashton (oof, what a name for a dude).

Katherine Heigl on the other hand, I feel is capable of so much more yet she continues to dish out these cutesy, ditsy girl roles and I just don’t know why. She’s demonstrated plenty of range with her up and down performances as Dr. Izzie Stevens on ABC’s Grey’s Anatomy. So why is she always making more of the same in film? When I checked out The Ugly Truth (mind you I only went to see it for that hot piece Gerard Butler!), I literally got the douche chills while watching her play this dopey broad willing to do anything desperate in order to “find true love.” And as it seems here in Killers, there she is again all alone and single (oh boo-fucking-hoo!) on vacation with her parents feeling sorry for herself only to fall in love with the first guy that pays her any mind. As it turns out, this guy just so happens to be an undercover government spy which leads to some apparent bullshit action sequences. Now…hold up just a second here. Can someone please give me a break with this shitty ass premise already?! In almost every romantic comedy, (cause let’s face it; that’s what this movie really is under all them farty explosions) why are women always portrayed as these moronic, desperate, pathetic nothings because they’re “single”? Is this point really necessary? Do most women actually relate to these sorts of stories? I sure as shit don’t. But I’m digressing here so let’s get back on track. Deep breaths, KG. Stay focused!

With all that said, you already know what this movie’s about. You already know how it’s going to end and what to expect from it. So why even bother to go and spend your hard earned dollas on this shitfest? The funniest thing about the preview was hearing this clincher: “KILLERS. Starring Ashton Kutcher.” BAHAHAHAHA! Riiiiight. Where the fuck is Arnold Schwarzenegger when you really need him? I hope someone tells me that there’s an Arnie cameo in it and he comes in all Conan The Barbarian style, hacks Kutcher’s head off and field goal kicks it over the Hollywood Hills sign. Haha!! Allllllright….maybe I’m getting a little carried away here. Sorry folks. It’s hard to talk serious when you’re reviewing nonsense. But you know that’d be pretty fuckin’ dope. You know it! I’d love for someone to try and give me a logical explanation as to why movies like this are made in the first palce. Try me, suckas. Just try!
Killers: Anticipation Grade: F (for Fuck…THAT.)